Finally, A Political Party That Makes Sense

Finally, A Political Party That Makes Sense

In this day and age it’s really hard to get excited about politics. America has been hijacked by two equally insane warring factions of lunatics. If we use the analogy of a soaring eagle we would find that riding on the right wing is a bunch of religious extremist, racist, dog beating, kill the Arabs but save the fetuses (unless they're Arab), fascist, conservative douche bags and riding on the left wing is a bunch of communist, pot smoking, organic fruit eating, empathy giving (unless it gets in the way of their personal agendas), liberal hippies. So where does that leave us real Americans? Well, if we imagine that our eagle has just picked up a small fish and is crushing it without mercy in its talons just before ripping its head off in a bloody feast of flesh then that would be us. If only there was some sort of crudely Photoshopped image that could visually represent what I’m trying to say…

So, like most young people who haven’t been brainwashed by socialist professors, I remain in a state of political apathy. So what? Exactly, so fucking what. As such, I feel as though I am missing out on a large part of the American experience. Luckily for the rest of the world I have what my therapist calls a “peculiar mind” which is shrink babble for “genius brain” (I looked it up on the internet).

So what is my solution? Well, if I actually cared, it would be to introduce a new party to the political whorehouse. I would call it the American Apathy Party (I considered calling it the American Apathetic Revolutionary Party but AARP is already some sort of terrorist organization). I made a logo and everything. Go ahead and take a look if you want. I don’t really care.

This party would be so awesome I can’t even begin to explain it; and not because I don’t want to, but because it’s so awesome. Pretty much what we would do all day is sit around and watch Comedy Central and talk about how great John Stewart and Stephen Colbert are and how great this country would be if they were elected President but how they won’t because they would be too much of a threat to the fascist pigs in power and would probably go down in history as the greatest presidential team since America was invented by the Freemasons. We would then eat sandwiches my mother makes us and take a nap. Fuck me that’s awesome…I guess. Whatever.

We could then organize a protest against some policy that we really don’t understand but instead of making lame ass signs and going outside we would all open up our laptops and write biting political commentary on our blogs that no one would read so we would have to submit them to Digg and add the headline THEY’RE SHITTING ON THE CONSTITUTION!!!!!!!!!(PICTURES!) so everyone would digg us and we would get to the front page and exceed the bandwidth of our blogspot accounts and be respected political activists. We might even get us some nerd pussy.

Or maybe we will just sit around and talk about how much everything sucks and convince ourselves that there is no way we can change things and even if we could it would be too damn hard. We can sit in our heated house, safe from the pouring rain, drinking hot coco with those little marshmallows, and reaffirm how oppressed we are. We would then talk shit about the Iraq war and how much propaganda is being shoved up our ass and how much kids are being desensitized and conditioned to war. We would then spend the next 7 hours playing Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare on our 52 inch plasma screen TV.

We would most definitely make our own YouTube channel to compete with Fox News and MSNBC except we'd just sit around and bitch about how much shit sucks and tell everyone to vote for Ron Paul. We would engage in heated political debates as to who sucks the most ass and who should be shot in the head first but for some reason all discussions would turn into a debate over whether we would fuck Hilary Clinton or not. My vote would be yes. Always yes.

Or perhaps we’d just sit around all day staring at the walls. Honestly, that’s probably what we’d do. Sit around and stare at walls and not give a shit. Not giving a shit is a full time job and really shouldn't be interrupted with meaningful activities. So, if you like staring at walls and you just don't care any more, join my party. Or don't...I don't care.

-= Bagoda =-

Originally Posted - 11/20/07