[ About ]   -   [ Archive ]   -   [ Contact ]   -   [ Home ]   -   [ Links ]   -   [ Sticker ]

I Need a New Black Friend

This article has been approved by my old black friend.


I can’t believe I have done it. What was I thinking? It seems as though I have overlooked the most important aspect of moving to a new city. In case you are in the same boat, here is a checklist that everyone should follow.

1.) Secure housing.
2.) Secure Employment (if needed).
3.) Initiate utilities.
4.) Make new real friends.
5.) Make new black friend.

As I was sitting back today I was relishing the fact that I have, without little trouble, completely mastered the first 4 steps. But what I quickly realized is that I have completely neglected step 5. Being white and not having a black friend is just asking for trouble. What possible defense do I have against accusations of racism? None is what! In the past when I was accused of being a racist, all I had to do was say “How can I be racist? I have a black friend”. I would then take out a picture of my "road dawg" and be like, “What now bitch?”

But now I am completely defenseless. What would happen if someone randomly accused me of racism? I am fucked. So, it is with great urgency that I embark on my quest to find a new black friend. The problem is that there are more gay, albino, Mexicans at my school than black people. Out of the nearly 30,000 students here, only 3.3% are black.

This is quite odd because we are the white meat in a ghetto sandwich. To the south is Oakland and to the north is Richmond. These cities are full of new potential black friends but, like most white folks, I’m a-scared to meet REAL black people.

I need a “safe” black friend; one that I can talk to about how ridiculous racism is and how we can abolish this awful aspect of our culture if we work together. I need someone with which I can discuss how awesome affirmative action is and how the white man is nothing more than an oppressive war monger. I need a black friend that can discuss our oppression with over a nice double mocha cappuccino and cheese croissant....and possibly a chess game.

To help me in this quest, I have decided to post a questionnaire. If you think you have what it takes to be my new black friend, fill it out.

1. Are you black? (This is important)
a) Yes
b) No

2. If we were at a record store, which of the following would you be purchasing...
a) 50 Cent
b) Elton John

3. What would you rather eat...
a) Fried Chicken and BBQ ribs with cornbread
b) Roasted turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread with a dill pickle

4. Have you ever said “Ah, hells naw”?
a) Yes
b) No

5. If we were walking down the street and we passed a group of black people would you...
a) Pretend you are robbing me
b) Acknowledge our friendship with a hug

6. If we were at a movie theater would you...
a) Stand up and yell at the screen
b) Sit quietly in your seat and enjoy the movie

7. If you became a rapper which name would you choose...
a) Gangtsa B
b) Super Mega Awesome Man

8. What would you do if I called you “Mah Nigga?”
a) Punch me in the face
b) Laugh and say “Oh you!”

9. It's my birthday. Do you buy me...
a) A 40 and a blunt
b) A gift card to Hot Topic


If you have passed my quiz and wish to be my new black friend then please feel free to e-mail me. If you haven't passed the test, don't feel bad...it's pretty tough. If you are chosen to be my new black friend, your first task will be to attend a Simon and Garfunkel concert with me and discuss the current state of the Chinese economy with it's relationship to the global marketplace over a nice hot cup of chai tea in a crowded coffee shop for all the world to see. Boy, I can hardly wait!


-= Bagoda =-




Originally Posted - 9/20/07