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“Professional Blogger” is Synonymous With Welfare Recipient Have you ever wondered what it really takes to have a successful blog? Yeah, me neither but for some reason some folks are obsessed with it. All over the world fat, lazy sons of bitches are looking to the "blogosphere" as their ticket to high society. To aid in the epidemic of stupidity I have decided to lend my genius to the occasion. As a service to humanity (and the many people who might read your shitty blog) I have decided to post this tutorial on how to be a "successful" blogger (note the oxymoron). Since this site is neither a blog nor is it successful, I believe I can offer the most objective advice possible. If you follow my 9 simple rules, you cannot fail to not have a non-unsuccessful blog. Here they are (in no particular order). 2.) Don’t start a blog. Please. The first rule to successful blogging is that if you want to have a successful blog then don’t start one. Why? Because chances are you suck and no one will read it and the last thing we need is to pay for your trips to the psychiatrist and your newly developed Zoloft addiction when it is realized that all those grade school sing-alongs lied to you and you are not special. The reality is that most people will never, ever, ever, read your blog. It will most likely sit, collecting dust on whichever cattle car server it is hosted on being useful only in 10,000 years when it is retrieved from the cache of the Wayback Machine and the beings of tomorrow laugh uncontrollably at the ancient tales of the dumb shit you wrote about your cat or your edgy political observations. If, for some strange reason you do decide to start a blog then feel free to move on to the next item on my list. IV.) Make lists. People love lists. It’s a scientific fact that people prefer lists to other forms of writing. It doesn’t really matter what the list is about just as long as the paragraphs are short and contain information that allow people to escape their worthless lives. Don't ever write lists with odd numbers though, that's for amateurs and your a soon to be successful blogger. Top 10 lists are huge because most people need the opinion of a complete stranger to tell them what is good. Also, lists telling people what to do are good because most people are morons. ?.) Assume your readers are morons. Because, well, if they are reading your blog, they probably are. The best way to help them is by providing them with links to things they might not understand. As a rule, each blog post should contain no less than 80 links to outside content or past posts that might help clear up any confusion they might have. Once you think you have enough links in your post, add like 10 more just be safe. You never can have too many links. This is also a good way to hide pay per click ads. C.) Make sure to have a minimum of 300 ads per page. It’s a statically proven fact that people will not take your blog seriously unless it has at least 300 ads per page. If you want to be taken way seriously then make sure all those ads are graphic and banner ads. No blogger can be taken seriously without a gajillion ads, especially if your blog is hosted for free. If you want to be truly admired then write posts all about how to make money from blogging. Don’t “buy the hype” that you actually have to have made money from blogging to blog about making money from blogging. No, chances are your brilliant ideas are good enough to be taken as gospel without actually being tested. @.) Make sure to respond to every comment on your blog. This one is very important. Authors who don’t respond to every comment on their blog are terrorists. If some one says, “Nice post!” make sure to reply with, “Thanks!” or something equally witty. If you don’t post a reply to every comment your readers might think you hate them and they will most likely hang themselves. This is bad. You need readers to be a great blog. If things are slow then feel free to create 10 or 20 accounts and leave comments on all your posts with them. It’s like the dollar in tip jar, the more people who think you are popular the more they will like you, regardless if your writing sucks ass. 5.) Plagiarize….a lot! Who has the time to come up with fresh new material EVRY DAY!?!?!?!? That is too hard, especially for a hard working professional blogger like you. If you cannot find ignorant saps to write your posts for you the best way around this is to plagiarize other peoples work. The important thing to remember is not to plagiarize any of the major blogs because then you just look stupid. There are plenty of good blogs that no one reads that are just waiting to have their content stolen. Just make sure to change a few words around and maybe rearrange a paragraph or two and you are all set. If you don’t want to go through all that trouble just steal pictures of cats or bridges or whatever and post them. No one cares just as long as you post often! 1.) Post often! By often I mean like 10 times a day. No one has time to read one long article so make sure to write like 10 or 20 short posts each day. A few sentences will do. It really doesn’t matter what you write about just as long as you post. Most blog readers have abandonment issues and if they don’t hear from you often they may move on to a more stable relationship. Seven.) Submit every post to Digg and every other “social” book marking site in existence. Despite what you have heard, Digg users LOVE it when bloggers submit every post from their blog, especially if it has nothing to do with nerd tech or Bush bashing. Digg is the sure fire way to get millions of hits guaranteed without having to work for them. Also, people love it when you go to these sites and only submit your content. They see it as a sign of dedication and you will gain all their respect. Don’t muck things up by actually using the services for anything other than self promotion because that’s what failures do and you’re a bogger now, not a failure. ~#)_______)_:_:_) Choose your topics carefully. Politics and marketing are all over done. No one cares any more. Our society is hooked on reality shows so why not give them the real shit in your blog. Tell them exactly what is going on in your life and remember that no detail is too trivial. Did you just take a shit? Blog about it! Did you just beat your kids? Blog about it! Did you just murder your neighbors and chop them up into little pieces, freeze them in dry ice and put them through a wood chipper? Fuckin’ A right; blog about it! Remember, your life is interesting and the rest of the world is just dying to hear all about it. That’s pretty much it. If you follow my advice you can’t help but be a successful blogger. You will be cashing those large checks within minutes of starting your blog. Make sure to keep in mind that your opinion is extremely valuable and there are millions of people that are just waiting for you to express it. You are right to believe that a blog of your caliber has yet to be written and once it has, you will surely be the next big thing. Don’t be a fool and give up if no one reads your blog. It’s probably a sign that your level of genius is just far too high above everyone else’s head. Happy blogging. -= Bagoda =- Blog Bonus Facts!!!!!!! 1.) In the gay community Blog refers to a Big Log which, in straight talk translates to Large Penis. 2.) Blog is not a verb and therefore should never be conjugated (unless using it in the context above). 3.) In the 1980's the term "Blogger" referred to fictional video game character Frogger's retarded cousin. 4.) It's a widely held belief that if God kept a blog it would probably suck. 5.) People with schizophrenia keep the best blogs. |