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Psychological Profile: What Color Are You? So I was at my therapist today and just as we were getting down to some deep emotional core issues the bitch turned to me and said, “If you were a color, what color would you be?” What color would I be? I’m telling you about how I was driven to the state line and abandoned down a well with a pedophile that beat me and ate kittens and you want to know what my fucking favorite color is? Well I decided to play along with her little game and filled out her questionnaire…….here it is Well that’s a hard question. Am I restricted to primary colors or can I include secondary or even tertiary colors? Am I being graded on my answer as to which kind of color I am? If I answer with a primary color does that mean I am strong and independent? If I answer with a secondary color does that mean I am co-dependant and feel as though I need the validation of others to feel whole? So what if I answer with a tertiary color? Does that mean that I truly cannot exist on my own? Or does it mean that I am well blended and feed off the color of others? If I am a primary color does that mean I am a loner and am isolated from the rest of the world as though I am oil and everyone else is water? Or maybe if I answer with a secondary color I am stating that I am a team player, allowing my primary qualities to mix to offer the world a new beauty. I guess the best way for me to answer this question is by a process of elimination. Red - Red is the color of blood. I saw a lot of blood when my dad used to hit my mom. I also saw a lot of blood when that man asked me for some change and I took him in the alley and smacked him in the head with a brick when I was 11. I also saw blood when I stuck those needles in those kittens’ eyes when I was 8. Red is also the color of communists. One time in 3rd grade my teacher made me taste blood because I said I wanted to be a communist when I grew up. Red is also the color of the herpes soars that mysteriously appeared after returning from Tijuana. No I think it’s safe to say that I definitely would not be red. Yellow – Yellow is the color of the snow that my sister used to make me eat when I was 5. It is also the color of the banana that the mean man next door put up my ass in the 4th grade. The sun is often portrayed as yellow making it seem happy but as I learned in the 5th grade the sun is not yellow, no matter how long you stare at it. Yellow is also the color of the mucus I cough up when I sit alone at night and drink to keep from crying. Although I don’t know what makes it yellow, it tastes kind of like strawberries. Yellow is also the color of the chalk that the teacher would point at me as she called me a loser and an ugly child. No, I think yellow is too painful a color for me to be. Blue – Blue is the color of water. I like water. Except for the time when my best friend tried to drown me in the pool after I told him I wanted to touch his mom’s tits in the 7th grade. And it was also the color of the car he used to run me down after I fucked her in the 9th grade. Blue is also the color of sadness. My dad told me it was not o.k. to be sad. He said that whenever I felt sad that I needed to find a kid with lower self esteem than mine and smack him in the head. If that didn’t work then I needed to find an emotionally unstable girl to exploit sexually. He was right, they both work. Blue is also the color of blue balls. All the hot chicks in high school would make my balls blue during P.E. but always cried when I forced them to take care of the problem for me. And if I’m not mistaken, the eyes of the kittens I poked out with a needle were also blue. So blue is kind of a happy and sad color for me. We’ll put it in the maybe pile. Green – Green is the color of the marijuana I smoke to make the voices in my head stop. They would be bearable but one only speaks Spanish and the other speaks only Japanese and I can't understand what the fuck they are saying. It is also the color of the trees in the forest in my dreams. In this dream I am Robin Hood but I am always naked. Every time I steal money to give to the poor it automatically turns into a picture of my father’s penis. Green is also the color of money. Money makes me happy, except when I spend it on cheap hookers and booze, and then it makes me REAL happy. Green is also the color of the mucus I cough up when I smoke speed. It’s kind of funny though, I’d expect the mucus from the pot to be green. Green is a very happy color……I might be green. Magenta – Magenta is the color of gay. Kids used to taunt me and call me gay when I was in the 8th grade. I hate magenta. I want to kill magenta! Cyan – What the hell is cyan? I always thought it was a pepper. I definitely am not a color named after a pepper. Purple – Purple reminds me of the time we were dying Easter eggs and my dad had a little too much to drink and grabbed my sister and took her to the store and didn’t come back for 4 and a half years. I kept that purple Easter egg under my pillow for almost 4 years hoping that a new baby sister might hatch from it. Purple is also the color of the underwear I had to wear in high school because that’s all they had at the church rummage sale and then the other kids saw them in the locker room and called me “Captain Purple Panties”. I am NOT captain purple panties! I showed them…..I showed them all REAL good. Purple is also the color of the prunes that grandma forced me to eat when I swallowed her wedding ring. It’s also the color of the dinosaur that haunts my dreams. I hate purple. White – White is the color of nothingness. It is the color of empty. That’s that way I feel most of the time. White is also a bad word. Black – Black is the color of evil. It is the color of the family next door that every one said were criminals. Black is also the color of god’s testicles. At least that’s what my dad told me. He would say, shut up or I’ll make you see god’s nuts you little shit. Black is also the color of mail, and the market. No sir, I definitely am not black….my penis is way too small. Orange - Orange is the color of pumpkins. Every October my family would go to the pumpkin patch and pick our very own pumpkin. By the end of the night my dad was passed out in the out house and my mom was calling a tow truck to make a new key for the car because my dad had thrown it down the shitter. When we did get home my dad would always carve the pumpkin like a clown. I hate clowns. I HATE CLOWNS!!!! Orange is also the color of orange marmalade. God I hate orange marmalade. But on the plus side, orange is the color of Cheetos and I love Cheetos. Violet – Isn’t that just a fancy word for purple? Fucking imposter! I hate violet so much! Fuchsia – Fuchsia is just the bastard son of magenta, which is the bastard son of pink. Pink – Pink is the color of the inside of vaginas. I like vaginas, especially the inside. Yet for some reason, when I wear my pink sweater, the kids make fun of me. Fools, they have obviously never seen the inside of a vagina before. Pink is also the color of flamingos and Cadillac’s. Pink is o.k. (don’t tell anyone I said that). Grey – Isn’t grey more of a shade? I like grey because it has no pressure. No one says hey grey, why don’t you be more like your brother black over there or, why not be more like you sister white? No, grey is free to be who he is; an individual. Grey is also the color of aliens. I wish I were an alien so I can fly away in my spaceship and anally probe those that oppose me. That would kick ass. Like blue, grey is also the color of sadness. Sometimes when I feel sad I take the knife from the drawer and pretend I am a surgeon. I pretend that my sadness is in little pockets in my skin and I have to let it out. Yep I think if I were a color it would be grey…..dark, melancholy, grey. Well I must have done well on the test because later that night my therapist called and asked for my boss’s phone number and told me not to go anywhere. She said that her and her friends wanted to come over and go over the results of my test. I guess they want to meet the man behind the brilliance. So if I don’t update for a while it is probably because I am too busy having fun on the trip they are sending me on. Ta-ta. -= Bagoda =- |