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The Idiots Guide to Books For Dummies Well it seems that the original Idiots Guide to Books For Dummies is a smash hit. At the time of this writing it has received nearly 20 thousand hits in the month it has been circulating the internet. So in traditional Hollywood style, I have decided to capitalize on my mini franchise (mainly because I'm lazy and feeling uninspired). There are plenty more books to be made fun of from the popular "For Dummies" series. Submitted for your review is the second installment of my Idiots Guide to Books For Dummies.
How big of an insult is this to the brilliance of Albert Einstein? How ridiculous does the title sound? That’s like saying lipstick for chickens. Apparently “physicist Carlos Calle chronicles Einstein's career and explains his work-including the theories of special and general relativity-in language that anyone can understand (pictures?). He shows how Einstein's discoveries affected everything from the development of the atom bomb to the theory of quantum mechanics.” Finally! Every one should know the theory of quantum mechanics! Everyone should be well versed in the fundamental branch of theoretical physics that replaces classical mechanics and classical electromagnetism at the atomic and subatomic levels. Even complete morons.
Here is another book to make the fat kids feel less than zero. If your constant nagging and criticisms fail, you are now in luck. Written by undergraduates at the local state university (probably), this book attempts to “set straight” the whole childhood obesity “pandemic”. This volume offers tips on improving nutrition, increasing physical activity, and dealing with weight issues at home and in the classroom (complete with recipes!) Of course this book gently skirts around the issue that the parent is ultimately responsible for what their child does, and that childhood obesity is mainly caused by lazy parenting. It does nothing to reveal the fact we are a society of overabundance. It mentions nothing about corporations willing to kill children to make a buck. This book seems to be another band-aid on the festering puss-filled wound that is American society. It’s always easier to peddle a few simple answers than to write a book on where the real answers lie.
You arenot an idiot. You are not an idiot. You are not an idiot. You are not an idiot. You are not an idiot. You are not an idiot. You are not an idiot. You are a fucking idiot. This book claims to be “an easy-to-follow, reassuring and responsible guide that shows how you can use hypnotherapy to identify and overcome unhealthy modes of thinking, deal with emotional issues, improve performance, and banish bad habits.” It also has a section on law suite procedures in the event that you stay convinced you are a chicken or continue to yell “I am sir fancy pants” or bark like a dog whenever you hear a bell. The preface is a self guided hypnosis that the reader must perform in order to use the rest of the book. Basically it asks the reader to stand in front of the mirror with a rock on a string and chant “this book is helpful, this book is serious”. Once the reader has been sufficiently brain washed, the rest of the book reads like a well written novel.
“From preparing for auditions to finding an agent, the acting business is a challenging and competitive field. This indispensable guide is what every aspiring actor needs to get a foot in the door. Discover how to market yourself, choose a dynamic head shot, create a stellar acting resume, join unions, and pay the bills while you pursue your acting dreams.” Special features include “Explanations in plain English” because we know that actors need things simplified as much as possible, “Icons and other navigational aids” just incase plain English isn’t simple enough, “A tear-out cheat sheet” because there is nothing honest about the acting profession, and “A dash of humor and fun”, what ever the hell that means. I see nothing about preparing the potential actor for a lifetime of poverty and disappointment. I see no companion booklet on proper table waiting etiquette or bar tending tips. There is no chapter on breaking into mainstream roles via soft-core cable porn or, even worse, Saturday Night Live. This is one of the few appropriately titled books.
Again, I believe that this book is appropriately titled. It says what the book is about and who the book is written for. Another acceptable title would be “Athletic Scholarships For Athletes”, which would mean the same thing. This book “explains what kind of scholarships are out there, how to promote yourself and deal with recruiters, and how to survive possible snags after you've won your scholarship.” It also has a section on buying SAT scores to ensure that even the most “special” athletes have a chance for success. As a consolation, the author provides a 50% coupon for purchase of a hand gun with special suicide instructions (including pictures for the slower athletes) in the event that their one goal in life is somehow never realized. The author also provides a password to the National High School Athletic Potential Fulfillment Organization’s website that features hundreds of thousands of job listings in the fields of automotive lubrication, thrift store management, car wash attendant, and many other professions ex-jocks are more than qualified for.
Wow we are on a role. The third appropriately titled book. NASCAR is something that I never quite understood. Now it appears that I am not alone. Apparently even the dummies are having trouble figuring out this riddle of modern man. The publisher asks “Ever wonder what's under the hood of today's stock cars? Want to know the latest about the changes in NASCAR?” Actually, no, I could fucking care less. “Top driver Mark Martin puts you behind the wheel on an insider's tour of NASCAR, offering great insights into the new drivers, sponsorship changes, safety requirements, and racing schedule — helping you get more out of every race you watch!” More than hemorrhoids and a beer belly!? What more could I possibly get out of watching a bunch of cars drive around in a circle for hours on end? If this book is half as exciting as a NASCAR race, it should prove to be more entertaining than fucking your mom.
This title seems to be redundant. I always thought that the words vegetarian and dummy were one in the same. Guess I have been wrong. Apparently you can be both a vegetarian AND a dummy. Live and learn. This book attempts to answer such questions as: “aren’t you lacking a ton of vitamins and minerals? What exactly do you eat? Don’t you get tired of salads? Isn’t it dangerous to be vegetarian when you’re pregnant?” The main questions it doesn’t ask are: “Are you fucking high? Why is it o.k. to eat a plant and not an animal? Is it wrong to eat cute plants? Would you consider eating ugly animals? Why does animal flesh provide us with much needed sustenance if it is wrong? Were you molested a child; possibly by a cow? Why are you so skinny? Why are you always sick? Why do you look as if you are about to die if you are so healthy? Why would you aid in the ongoing suffering of a cow by consuming dairy products? Are you sure you’re not high?” This book also tackles such issues as “finding vegetarian sources of protein” including nuts and seeds, pulses, Soya, cereals, and of course….sperm.
I just think this one sounds funny. It reminds me of all the names we would make up on the school yard. Napoleon Blownapart, Napoleon Blownafart, Napoleon Boneatart, Napoleon's Boneishard, Linoleum Bowlingcart, Petroleum Minimart, Napolean's Phoneissmart....you get the idea. In the tradition of the great literary genius that has come before me to write these exceptional works, Here are a few more suggestions for future For Dummies titles.
-= Bagoda =- |
