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Jet Blue Can Suck My Ass  Being the author of one of the most popular websites in existence I am often asked to use my grand oratory skills to address captains of industry or am called in to settle disputes among warring nations. Most of the time it’s pretty sweet since I ride in style in private jets or am whisked away on luxury yachts far from the infected puss-bubble drippings that are the common man, but every so often I am forced to slum it and ride commercial airline flights with Freddy Fuckedmortage and Sally McSaggytits. Other than being in the presence of middle-management fuck offs with ego’s far bigger than their pocket books, such instances are usually bearable. That is until I had the pleasure of experiencing the wonderful world of Jet Blue Airways. If you have never flown Jet Blue then consider yourself lucky. Not only do they have the nerve to “congratulate” you for every little bullshit perk they offer (which consist of their ancient -and often broken- LCD televisions and free snacks!) they really have no business running an airline. I submit for your review anecdotal evidence number 1 (I don’t know why I numbered it since there is only one so shut up about it already). With the foolish assumption that Jet Blue was a competent airline I arrived at the airport an hour and a half early as recommended. At first I complemented them on their speedy check-in process until I later learned that everyone was sitting in the god damn terminal. More on that later. O.K., it's later. So, there I am, fending off screaming hordes of fans and being violated by Homeland Security when I approach the Jet Blue terminal. You can always tell when you are passing the Jet Blue gates because they look a little something like this. 
Their terminals are packed tighter than a drug mule’s colon. At first I thought they must be a popular airline to get this much business but I would later learn that these people were the combined accumulation of an entire years worth of delayed and cancelled flights. I heard that every year they take everyone that is still in the terminal out back and shoot them to keep with the fire codes. With no chairs to sit on I decided to join the hundreds of other people sitting on the floor between two of the 38 Starbucks’. After an hour of listening to the pathetic apologies from the Jet Blue announcer who thoughtlessly babbled cancelations and flight delays we were told that our gate was being changed and with the announcement came a stampede of travelers who just had to be the first ones on the plane. Fine. I still don’t fucking care. But then things got weird. Our plane came in on time yet we were not allowed to board until 30 minutes after the flight was scheduled to leave. Fine. I still don’t really give a shit. But then the unforgivable was announced. A flamboyant cock jockey came in to let all of us know what was going on. Here is what he said. “HI! Thorry for the inconvenienssssssse. For thome reasssson thith aircraft doesssn’t theem to have a pilot. We called Larry in who isssn’t qualified to fly thith particular aircraft to turn on the air condithioner for you. We will push back just as thoon as we can find a pilot”. WTF? Did that knob jockey just say they couldn’t find a pilot to fly the plane? What does Jet Blue go to the god damn day-pilot pick up spot down at Home Depot to find people to fly their planes or what? Now, I’m no businessman but I do realize that there are four minimum requirements to operate an airline. 1.) Aircraft 2.) Airport Access 3.) Peanuts 4.) Pilots Apparently that’s not the way Jet Blue rolls. It took another 45 minutes for them to drag a pilot out of bed and get his ass in the plane. I was half expecting for the flight crew to go up and down the aisles asking for gas money. In honor of Jet Blue’s love for the random lifestyle I have put together a little game for you to play with the friends you don’t have. It may be a good way to make some extra cash. The rules are simple. Whenever you or a friend fly’s Jet Blue simply place a bet on any of the following outcome possibilities. 
The bottom line is that if you want to get to where you’re going then you’re better off riding a pack mule than flying Jet Blue. If, on the other hand, you enjoy the mystery and excitement of sitting in a crowded airport for hours on end listening to fat, middle-aged men screaming business jargon into their blue tooth headsets or children screaming at the top of their lungs because the battery on their iPod is dead then Jet Blue will definitely provide you with your much desired experience. -= Bagoda =- |