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Bah Humbug! Well here it is again. That time of year that makes me want to shoot myself and every other living soul on gods green earth, and possibly other inhabited planets created by my lord and savior?..me. Christmas to me signifies our social and moral decline as a world wide community. There is no doubt that this holiday has become such a necessity for capitalism that it is shoved down our throats at every turn. What really pisses me off is not the holiday itself, but what we have turned it into. Although I am not a Christian I acknowledge the idea of Christ as a good thing, although I have serious doubts that he even ever existed. But that?s not really the point of this article. The point is about how much I hate Christmas right? Oh well, even if it wasn?t that?s what it?s going to be now. So let?s see what we have here. We have a holiday built upon the spiritual act of self sacrifice. This holiday signifies the metaphorical birth of the theoretical savior that is supposed to save us from our selves by giving the most precious thing any of us has, his life. In order to honor this savior we are to present gifts to others in appreciation of their putting up with us for an entire fucking year. On top of that we are supposed to do things that we should be doing all the time like help others and ?spiritual? shit like that. So why does it seem like Christmas is the most self serving holiday on the face of the planet? Because it is you moron. A quick turning on of the television will reveal exactly what Christmas is all about. It is about large corporations anally raping the common man. To do this, it has exploited nicely the spiritual act of giving. I?ve got news for you; there is nothing spiritual about giving a Christmas gift. Much like gratuity, it has become a socially pressured norm thrust upon us by people that need to pay the property taxes on their own private islands. So I?ve got a question for you. Why the fuck should I feel pressured into buying a gift for some dick wad that I see every other day that just happens to work in the same place I do? I could fucking care less what this idiot does the other 364 days of the year, so why all of a sudden should I feel obligated to pretend I care? Fuck that. If I gave him what I really wanted to give him for Christmas he would come to work on Wednesday with a stapler permanently lodged in his ass. I really don?t see the point in buying gifts for my friends and family either (mostly because I have no friends). Isn?t my presence enough of a present? Isn?t my sharp tongue enough entertainment for you greedy scum bags? Aren?t my charming good looks and radiant personality enough to satisfy you? With all the constant giving I do through out the year I can hardly be bothered to go to some crap merchant and buy some over priced item made in some third world country by some exploited child just because the T.V. tells me I should. Fuck that! Another thing I hate about Christmas is that, much like a parade (I fucking hate parades too), it interrupts my daily activities. I went into Best Buy (a large electronics store chain) the other day to purchase the new Simpons season nine, and I guess I had forgotten that it was Christmas. Immediately after walking in the store I remembered why I hated this time of year so much. Once I bulldozed my way through the sixty people waiting patiently for the attendant to remove their iPod?s from the locked case, I had to shield my eyes from the middle aged men reliving their failed childhood rock star fantasy as they played Guitar Heroes on a television set that costs more than their combined annual income. If this crowd wasn?t bad enough, I couldn?t take more than 5 steps without some blue shirted pimpled faced fek-wad asking ?can I help you with anything today?? Yes you sure can. How about you leave me the fuck alone? That would help me out a whole bunch! After retrieving my Simpson?s DVD?s I attempted to casually brows the printer aisle but after three blue shirted preschoolers cornered me, I decided it was time to go. I enjoyed hearing the spiritual conversations as people yapped on their cell phones as I walk to go stand in the longest indoor line in the history of the universe. Conversations like ?the accessories cost more than the gift? and ?they don?t have it here, we need to go to the store in Guadalajara so our little Johnny will be happy and be friends with us?. Between this and tripping over piles of boxes stacked all over the place as if it were too burdensome to put them on shelves, I had had enough. As if this wasn?t enough, the next day I decided to go to the movies and again forgot it was Christmas time. It seems that around here it is not appropriate to open a movie theatre more than twenty five feet away from a Starbucks, so every fucking movie theatre is located in some sort of shopping center. It took us longer to navigate the parking lot and find a place to park than it did to watch the entire fucking movie. And what about the spiritual giants that find it necessary to go help someone simply because it's Christmas? These are the lowest forms of life on earth. They all deserve to be shot. They're all like "Hey it's Christmas, guess we should help someone or something...WWJD?" What would Jesus do? Well I hope he would start of my smiting your ass. Why is Christmas so special a time to help some one? You know why you get that "warm fuzzy feeling" when you help some one on Christmas? It's because for the other remaining days of the year you are a self righteous hypocritical bastard that cares nothing about anyone else. I'm sure those same people will need help on Wednesday May 2nd just as they do now. But where will you be? You will be at home not helping anyone because it's not fucking Christmas. No, these people know nothing of self sacrifice, but it sure makes for good conversation at church next Sunday. So as you can see I am not a very big fan of Christmas. To me it is just another one of those things that makes me despise popular culture all that much more. Even without all the frenzied gift buying and ?holiday cheer?, Christmas leaves little to be desired. We are still obligated to be nice to people and spend time with our families, which just happen to be two activities I really hate. If you like Christmas and this pissed you off then good. I really don?t care. If I cared I?d buy you a gift. And not just any gift but the bestest gift ever! But luckily for both of us I don?t care so you get exactly what you deserve. Jack shit. As you spend your well needed time off with people you can?t really stand to begin with, remember to ask yourself one little question. Wouldn?t it have been a lot cheaper to just buy a fucking gun? -= Bagoda =- |