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An Open Letter to the Owners of the Internet
Dear Internet Overlords, Dear Sir(s). I would like to respectfully request that you delete the internet. It is evil. As you know, not much original data will be lost as the internet is 98% recycled garbage and most of that archive will live forever on the servers of eBaum's world. According to my scientific research, pictures of cats and fat people getting “pwned” make up 99.9% of the total files of your service. Of these billions of files, only 7 are actually entertaining and original and have since been stolen by every blogger who has figured out how to copy and paste. But that’s not my complaint. My complaint is that your service has completely ruined my life. Despite the lack of anything good on the internet, I still cannot get enough. I find myself up at 3:00 a.m. self righteously loathing those stupid fucking cats and reading recycled e-mails from 1995. Hell, when I'm really bored I log onto Wikipedia and read the viral video post for nostalgia! What the fuck is that all about? The other day my girlfriend left me when I asked her “I can haz cum inside ur pussie”? After denying me I left a nasty comment on her chin and gave her a thumbs down for her lack of originality. I simply cannot approve half hearted attempts at a blow job. I told her that if she wanted a thumbs up she would have to be more original and not be a porno slut rip-off. She had no idea what the hell I was talking about so I called her a stupid noob and went to sleep. This is a serious issue. I do this shit all the time. It gets worse when I am at the movies. I can no longer sit through the previews because of the embarrassment that occurs. I blurt out random things like “Nice try asshole, I saw this one at the theater on Shattuck. Fucking thief’s!” I get sick when idiots try to show me the same thing I’ve already seen before. Don’t they know I have already enjoyed it? Screw everybody else in the theater, I don't have time for this shit. When I leave I make sure to leave the manager a nasty review and show everyone my disdain with a big, red, thumbs down in his thieving face. Assholes. I find myself blurting out little comments to all the street performers as I pass them by. There is this guy who encases himself in a giant bubble and then lights a cigarette with a flame that's outside the bubble. I could see instantly that it was photoshopped. It was so obvious. That’s not even possible to do. Does he think I am going to give him a dollar? Hell no. “Fake!” I yelled. Everyone just looked at me like I was insane. I feel as though every little minute detail of life calls for my instant opinion, especially political events. Even if the events took place years ago but somehow play into my current ideological beliefs and have absolutely no validity in practical terms. I usually don't bother to learn all the details as I'm quite sure the headline alone is sufficient to make my claim. I was in class today listening to the teacher make a rational point about the current political administration when I blurted out, “Conservative douche bag!”, and then rallied all my friends to bury his comments so his lecture never made it to the front page…..of the school paper. Why would I do that? This shit is getting out of control. I’ve also noticed that when I am particularly bored I tend to visit random groups of people and say nasty things to them. I listen to their conversations for a minute or two and can’t help but make a snide remark about the validity of their claim or how erroneous their proposition is, even if I have no idea what the fuck I am talking about. Hell, especially when I KNOW I don’t know what I am talking about. I don’t dare back up my claims with any sort of data. I just call them all fags and question their sexual practices. It’s making me quite unpopular. My best friend gets really embarrassed when the guys are having a conversation because I always carry around a stack of pictures I created that contain odd photos with quirky captions printed on them. The other day we were hanging out and John made a comment about the true sexual preference of Ben and I instantly took out my picture of Macho Man Randy Savage enjoying a Slim Jim with the a large caption that read “Awe Schnap!”. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. No one knew what to make of it. I won't even go into how I walk around and ask everyone that looks at me if they want to be my friend. And most people look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I am friends with Metallica, Dave Chapelle, AND Tom Anderson. Why would I lie? So, with complete respect, I request that you delete the internet and free me from this evil obsession. You will no doubt be setting millions of other hostages of your service free and restoring the natural order to life as we know it. Thank You. -= Bagoda =- |