 |
|
|
|
Think You May be a Loser? You Probably Are As a student of psychology, I have been trained to seek out incredibly trivial aspects of human behavior and complicate the shit out of them. It is in this spirit that I have put together a brief questionnaire for anyone who might be wondering if they are a loser. After spending countless hours renting anime and frequenting World of Warcraft forums, I feel as though I have been given an accurate glimpse into the mindset of most losers. I do this for one single reason, to help any possible losers come to terms with their social inequities and to encourage them to stop trying. 1.) Do you judge women by how much you're willing to pay to have sex with them? Have you ever thought to yourslef, “man, that chick has some big ass titties, I'd totally pay $200 to bang her” or, “pffft, that chick is crazy if she thinks I'm going to fork over my allowence to bang her fat ass”? Despite what the "good people" on Craigslist might tell you, this is not normal. Now, I'm not some preachy religious nut that thinks it's wrong to pay for sex, but if that's the first place your mind goes, you have serious issues. It's kind of like a serial killer judging women in a bar by how much cyanide it would take to kill them except they'd be like, “nope, not her, she'd be kicking like a mule all night, but that one over there would drop like a 13 year olf testicle”. If you find yourself judging women in either fashion, life will be especially difficult for you. 2.) Have you ever asked any of the following questions... “Hey man, have you ever fucked a chick with down syndrome?” “Would you ever fuck a chick with down syndrome?” “I wonder what it's like to fuck a chick with down syndrome?” “If I get off watching a dudes balls swing back and forth as he's banging a hot chick in a porn, does that make me gay?” “What does cum taste like?” “Do you know where I can buy some GHB?” “How small is TOO small?” “Do midgets have vagina's?” If you have either verbalized any of those questions to another human being or have thought them in the quiet recesses of your demented mind, then chances are you may be a loser. The questions about fucking a chick with down syndrome may be redeemed if you actually engage in sexual intercourse with a tard. That takes balls. Big manly balls. And speaking of balls, contrary to the “bi-curious” theory, if you get aroused by the site of another mans balls, no matter how round and smooth and no matter how close they may be to a female sexual organ, you gay. GGGAAAYYYY! That doesn't necessarily make you a loser but you don't get to use your man points which may eventually push you over the edge. And yes...midgets do have vagina's...awesome little vagina's. 3.) Have you ever ran home to share exciting stories with your internet message board pals? Have you ever seen something completely awesome and thought, “man, I can't wait to get home and tell the guys on the forum about this!”? If you have, strangle yourself now because you are completely worthless and will never amount to anything. 4.) Do you have internet message board pals? Despite what you have heard, the internet is not an acceptable means of social contact. "Social Networking" is nothing but a buzz word made up by geeks to get real people to use the internet. If there is anyone you consider your “online friend”, you should probably introduce them to your imaginary friend or your vast collection of beanie babies so they can keep each other company. If there are more people on the internet that know about that hot chick in English class that wears a g-string and has a mole on her lower back that you secretly masturbate to while the teacher is yapping on about poetry than there are in real life, all is not well. If, on the other hand, you have more friends you tell in person about your school time masturbatory habits, you are O.K. You might even be awesome but let's not get carried away. 5.) Have you ever injured yourself masturbating? This one seems pretty silly to us winners but rest assured that any true loser reading this is hanging his head in shame. According to statistics that I made up, every year over a million nerds hurt themselves jacking off. Masturbation should not be a painful event nor should it require a trip to the emergency room...again. Injuries may include (but are not limited to): cock burn, allergic reaction to lubricant, infection from improperly sanitized masturbatory aids, hernia, electrocution, suffocation, accidental drowning, citrus burns, broken wrists, pulled groin muscles, animal bites, and curiously lodged vegetable tips. It's understandable that accidents do happen and people are bound to injure themselves, but if you manage to hurt yourself while masturbating on a regular basis, you're probably doing it wrong. 6.) Have you ever gotten a chick drunk, naked, in your bed, and still couldn't get laid? Are you one of the extremely few individuals who have been denied by a naked drunk chick...that wasn't your sister? If this has ever happened to you then let me take the opportunity to say hahahahahhahhhahahahahahah! Seriously, I really can't think of anything more pathetic. Every college has at least one of these guys. He can usually be spotted walking home in his underwear at 2:00 a.m. with vomit (not his) running down his chest. If you see this guy kick his ass for me. Some folks might be saying to themselves, "that's mean. What if the girl passed out? Wouldn't it be wrong to take advantage if her?" No. Look, here is the rule. If a woman willingly gets into bed with you naked, that is all the consent you need. Anything that might happen after that is completely legit, whether or not she passes out, vomits all over the bed, or shits herself. If you fail to fuck her, you are a loser. Period. If you don't believe me then try this little experiment. The next time you are amongst a group of your friends (or random group of guys in the event you have no friends), casually let your little story slip. If they don't at least laugh uncontrollably then there is no god. If they don't beat you mercilessly then they have no balls. 7.) Did you read the entire list and seriously relate the questions to your life? The first seven questions are just placebo “filler” questions. If you read this list and related it in any way, either positively by relishing in the fact that you answered no to a question thereby proving you are not a loser, or actually answering yes to any of the above questions only to make quick justifications as to why you did so, you are most definitely a loser. Basically what I am trying to say is that if you have read this far, you have no life and everyone hates you. The End. -= Bagoda =- |