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Health Nuts Can Blow Me
Is there anything worse than a fat, sweaty, stinky tub of lard? Yes, a health nut. You all know who I am talking about and chances are you know at least a handful of these people if you aren’t one yourself. These are the people that count carbs, shop at whole foods market, and think that spandex is fashionable. These ass holes are not quite in the same league as vegetarians but they are a close second. Their diets are dictated by the evening news, popular books and coffee house chitchat. We all go through this faze, god knows I have, but then we usually get the idea that life sucks ass and quit caring. Whatever. I just have one message for all your pricks. Blow me. My grandmother is a good example. Although I wouldn’t call her a health nut, she is doing well for an 86 year old woman. Every time I go to visit I am sure to get the famous lecture. “Why don’t you take better care of yourself? You’re a handsome boy if only you'd lose a few pounds. You don’t want to die when your 50 do you?” She then goes on to tell me how miserable she is now that all her friends are dead. She goes on an hour long tirade explaining how bad things are now that she is all alone. Great going grandma, you are really making me want to eat my fucking vegetables aren’t you? Why the hell would I want to take care of myself only to be a miserable old man? Fuck that. I'm a miserable young man as it is, why drag this mess out? I’ll gorge on my double cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes, die of a massive heart attack at the age of 50, and forgo all the pain and misery of later life thank you very much. But no, that’s not acceptable. In come the fascist fucks that think it is their god given duty to protect the world from the horrors of food. Yet they neatly skirt around the real issues at hand. They conveniently leave out the economic factors (unless they are calling all fat people poor lazy bastards) and the fact that most cases of obesity are caused by a combination of lazy, incompetent parenting, the self serving "pleasure me now" American attitude and the actions of large, heartless corporations. Now, I’m not saying that fat people are blameless but what I am saying is that the issue is not looked at from all sides. The newest, and perhaps most sickening, player to this team is Subway restaurants. 
Apparently Subway has
given up on trying to bring quality food to their dining facilities
and has decided to exploit the biggest weakness Americans have:
vanity. While on vacation I spotted one of Subways newest
billboards. If you haven’t seen it yet you can see an animated
version
here. According to their quiz I am evolving towards a Burger-A-Zoic
Man. Sweet! Fuck Subway. If they honestly care about peoples health
then why the fuck does it cost nearly $10 for a shitty sandwich,
chips and a drink? Not to mention that the sandwich is nothing more
than a loaf of bread with lettuce and mayonnaise. I’m surprised they
haven’t started marketing them as salad sandwiches. Eat shit Subway.
I have taken the liberty to redesign the old Subway logo (mainly
because it was easier to do than the new one and I'm a fat lazy
slob) to illustrate the proper response to anyone asking if you
would like to eat as Subway.
And apparently Subway is not satisfied with simply destroying the self esteem of adults. No, they also feel the need to destroy children's self worth with this bizarre commercial.
First of all, that's the lamest fucking video game I have ever seen. Any child playing that piece of shit deserves to grow up to be a fat slob because chances are he aint right to begin with. I'm guessing that the good people of Subway are spoofing the wildly popular video game Burger Time. The only problem is that Burger Time came out in 1982, twenty five fucking years ago. Nice try Subway. Failure. If you want to live on KFC and pig lard, I don't give a shit. Why the fuck do I care what you look like? If your happy with who you are it really shouldn't matter. Even if you aren't I still don't give a shit. I have better things to do than force my opinion down peoples throat. But no, we are at the constant mercy of some liberal asshole trying to make up for the fact they were teased as a child, probably for being fat. Well I'm sick of it. How dare you stick me straight in the middle of an industrial technological society and condemn ME for the consequences. It's easier to bitch about the obvious then take a look at the fucking truth. The issue really has nothing to do with health. It is more about people finding a reason to feel superior. If you health nuts really took an honest look at your motives you will plainly see that there is no desire to help anyone in your self righteous ravings. So the next time you cry "Something must be done about all the fat people in this country", why not say what is really on your mind? Why not just say "I am a moron with an inferiority complex that hates to see people that have accepted themselves as they are and are able to have healthy levels of self esteem despite being different from the social norm. Despite my constant exercise and chiseled abs, I still have yet to find true happiness because I am looking to superficial sources. I have control issues so naturally I fear death and will do anything it takes to prolong my life, despite the fact that I am a miserable fuck. I will come at this issue as though I actually give a fuck about people so that I might be taken seriously and respected but we all know that that is the farthest thing from the truth. I am an idiot and I smell like tofu and my organic facial soap is slowly making me blind but I don't care because it keeps the wrinkles from forming. I am truly a fucking moron". Go ahead and say it. There is freedom in the truth. Blow me. -= Bagoda =- |
