Old People Kick Ass

Old People Kick Ass

Old people kick ass. It seems as though the older a person gets, the more awesome they become. Why is this? Well, a variety of factors come into play for this phenomenon I’m sure. A complete disregard of current social norms, declining mental capabilities, and a lifetime of being shafted by society all culminate to provide us with an entertaining new creature; an elderly. I don’t really understand why old people are so disrespected in our culture. They serve as one of the greatest sources of entertainment in the world. There is nothing more hilarious than witnessing the complexities of the human mind slowly crumble. My two greatest sources of joy are retarded babies and old people. Retarded old people are pretty damn entertaining but they are pretty rare. Good going Darwin.

Most young people aren’t really keen on old people because they make them contemplate their own mortality. Or perhaps it's because they smell funny or have skin that resembles a wet microwave burrito. Either way I happen to love these wrinkled societal rejects. Why? Because they can get away with things that I never could. Have you ever seen an old man wearing a tight pair of corduroy shorts he hasn’t actually fit into for 30 years? Of course you have. And you have probably witnessed his left testicle dangle ever so slightly out of said shorts for all the world to see as he gracefully takes a seat to rest his tired bones. Does he care? Hell no. He was in “the war”. A little old testicle slippage is nothing to a man of his stature. “What’s all the fuss?” he says. “You can lick each others ass holes but you get offended at the site of one little testicle? Go fuck yourself.” Who else can get away with this? If I did that I’d be arrested. I’m not saying that I enjoy looking at old man nuts, but I applaud their ability to pull off the daytime dangle. If I could randomly let the boys loose for a bit of fresh air without having to register as a sex offender, you bet your ass I would.

Old people can do all kinds of cool shit that us whippersnappers could never get away with. They can spit when they talk, run over people with their power chairs, curse for no good reason, drool, tell long drawn out stories that have absolutely no relevance to life in the 21st century, complain about things they don’t understand, be openly racist, shit their pants, steal, drive through that stupid farmers market that has the street closed on Fridays that you always forget about until it’s too late so you now have to spend an additional 10 minutes back tracking just to go to the bank on the next block, and many other things most people wish they could do. Whenever I steal shit no one thinks it’s cute and the last time I called a black person a darky I got punched in the face. But when grandpa does it we all laugh.

The first time I was arrested was at the age of 13. As my punishment I was sent to do community service in the old folks home. Man, the judge had no idea what he was doing. That was the greatest ten hours of my life. In the course of my service I was attacked with a walker, played indoor bowling, won two games of bingo, took a nap, and ate the greatest rice pudding ever made. It was paradise. I also formed a peculiar friendship with this one old broad who thought I was a movie star. I would make up long stories about movies I had been in and sure enough she had seen them and thought they were magnificent. She remembered that night, in 1943, when I won the academy award for my role as Ace McClintock, a hard nosed marine gunner in the south pacific. Man, that place was awesome. I kept sneaking back until they finally realized that my community service was up. This led to the second time I was arrested. I don't want to talk about that.

Having an older person in your life can be quite cost effective as well. One day I dropped by my grandmothers house unexpectedly and suggested we get out of the house and do some shopping. Well, a few hours and several senior citizen discounts later, I had saved nearly $65. It's a win win situation. I save money and grandma gets to feel as though I give a shit. Old people are so easy to please.

So, the next time you get stuck behind an old person in line jabbering on about the diabeetus or paying their bill in pennies, remember, they’ve earned it. If you happen to come across a cantankerous old man with a nut or two hanging out of his shorts, give him a good, firm attaboy. Old people should not be shoved away like some kind of embarrassment. They need to be treated like the sacred beings they are.

In conclusion, old people rule. The end

-= Bagoda =-

Originally Posted - 9/07/07