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The Academy Awards are Bullshit It's official, the Academy Awards are bullshit. For years now we have sat back and watched undeserving films get paid way too much attention while genuinely great films get shat upon by the wide gaping anus that is the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. We all sat idly by and witnessed the academy bitch slap Martin Scorsese by snubbing him for decades, only to finally give him his much-deserved Oscar for the steaming pile of shit that was The Departed. I mean seriously, the man made Cape Fear, Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, Casino, The Color of Money, Gangs of New York, The Aviator, The Age of Innocence, Raging Bull, and many other great films and he finally wins an Oscar for a shitty remake of an equally shitty and overrated Chinese flick? That's bullshit. He did a better job directing Michael Jackson's "Bad" music video than he did with that cinematic yeast infection. So a few dried up old cunts and limp dick academy members decided to snub Scorsese. Who cares right? Goddamn right is right. Fuck Scorsese. Anyways... Everybody knows that there's always that one film that's nominated with the sole intention of pissing people off. However, this year an injustice has occurred that is so large that it cannot be kept silent any longer. If you have glanced at the nominees list then you know I am, of course, referring to the ass scented cum bubble that is called "Juno". If you have seen this movie then you know exactly what I am talking about. I went to see this film because I (foolishly) assumed that a movie that started off with some hot young twat getting plowed would induce a 2 hour hard-on. How mistaken I was. The only erection that occurred was when I got up and walked the fuck out. If you haven't seen the movie let me save you some time and money. It opens with what is perhaps the shittiest sex scene in the history of film and never really recovers from there. For the next hour and a half we are forced to watch some apathetic emo slut do shit no one in their right mind would care about, like talk about babies and parenthood and meaningless shit like that. Then the movie's over. Wow. Give that film an award! If even that were the end of it, this article would not be warranted. The Academy is constantly throwing in undeserving films to fuel contemptuous rage. I guess it sells ads or some shit. But what makes me believe that this is no mere attempt at pissing people off is the fact that the "star" of Juno, Ellen Page (yeah...THAT! Ellen Page), was also nominated for the best actress award. WTF? Did I miss something? How hard is it to play an irresponsible, horny, apathetic teenager? According to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, it's really, really, really hard. It's obvious that the only reason this film got any attention in the first place was because all the right to lifers hailed a film that argued against abortion. Apparently it's o.k. to be an irresponsible, emotionally crippled teenage parent and give your kid to a neurotic whore against your better judgment just as long as you don't get an abortion! Whatever. I sincerely wish the film had been about abortion because that would have meant that it would have been over in like 10 minutes which might have given them a reason to expand on the initial sex scene by like an hour and 20 minutes. So the movie is fresh and deals with a controversial subject? Big fucking deal. I didn't see anyone knocking down Kevin Bacon's door to give him an Oscar for his portrayal of a pedophile in The Woodsman or for Demi Moore's role as a hard working single mom in Striptease. But apparently it's only important if there is a fundamental ideology attached to the subject and a massive movement of dried up Midwestern housewives to fuel it. I swear to god, if Juno wins ANY award on Oscar night other than worst movie ever made, I am going to personally impregnate as many women as I can and then force them all to get abortions out of protest. I'm going to then personally deliver the aborted fetuses to each and every member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and staple them to their collagen infested faces. In conclusion, fuck Juno, fuck the Academy Awards, and fuck Martin Scorsese. Thank you. -= Bagoda =- |