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A Few Tips to Help Make Ever since I got my new computer with a 22 inch wide screen monitor I have been spending more time online. And no matter what a mans moral character, it is only a matter of time before he gets bored with all the “cool” blogs and daily video sites and begins to want more out of his internet experience. Its o.k., it happens to every body. So what’s next? Well, there is always MySpace if you like server errors and 12 year olds. We can always log onto Digg or Fark and see the same old tired shit day after day. But there comes a time when a man gets a little curious. There comes a time when it must be done. That’s right, I am speaking of internet porn. There is no greater joy in life (except for maybe actually having sex, although sometimes that’s more trouble than it’s worth) than sitting back in a nice comfortable chair and watching two hot sluts make out on a subway, some whore peeing on a park bench or some drunk college chick getting banged for tuition. Oh yes, the great internet revolution has given us much more that we ever imagined possible. As I sit back and think of all the wonderful things that our technological revolution has given us, nothing stands out as much as what I consider the greatest invention of all time: the web cam. Yes that is right the web cam. Why you might ask is the web cam the greatest invention ever made? Well, let me ask you, what other invention has caused so many women to strip, suck, lick or fuck for no apparent reason? This gem of modern man has enabled us to see vagina’s that we never even knew existed! If you stop and think about it, it's pretty fucking awesome. But as I spend my time exploring the intimate world of amateur internet porn there are a few things that seem to bother me. As a service to man kind I wish to offer these ladies a few words of advice. A few simple tips to help make my viewing….uh hum, I mean, their videos better. 1.) If you’re not going to get naked then don’t bother making a video – Plain and simple. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting there, cock in hand, as some dumb bitch dances and shakes her ass for 15 god damn minutes to some god awful emo tune. Is this supposed to turn me on? If I wanted to see some dumb whore prance around in her underwear I’d turn on MTV or Telemundo. But no, I’m on the internet and that means one thing. I want to see some fucking poon. Is that too much to ask for? Why the hell would you make a video and not get naked anyways? I don’t get it. That’s like paying a hooker to talk. It’s just a big old a waste of time. If you want to be successful ladies, please get naked. If you want to be REALLY successful, get naked with a friend, or two. Yeah two is definitely better. Feel free to touch each others naked bodies and kiss each others naked asses. I’m sure it’s a little weird at first, but you’ll get used to it. 2.) If your going fake an orgasm, please do it quietly – Seriously, my neighbors don't need to hear you. The last thing they need to hear is some chick faking an orgasm at the top of her lungs. There’s no need to scream, we get the point. And why do you woman have such melodramatic orgasms when you are masturbating? Who the hell are you trying to impress? I don't give a shit if your "cumming" or even if you "came" just don't stop banging yourself. It seems that there is a page in the porn book of etiquette that states that an orgasm has to be at least 140 decibels for it to be believable. To prove my point I have created a professional graph highlighting the findings of my months of research. The numbers on the left represent decibel levels.
3.) Don’t look at the god damn computer monitor – It’s just plain rude. Here I am looking at you get naked and fake orgasms and you don’t even have the decency to look at me? How else am I supposed to imagine choking you, skinning you and burying you in a shallow grave if I can't see your face? My imagination is not that good. I need visual aids. Have a little decency and think of someone else for a change. I realize that you probably think it’s “cool” to see yourself on screen but remember what you’re doing. You’re making a video for me, not you. 4.) If your going to strip, don’t wear panties – Look, I realize that you enjoy teasing all the horny men with your little “I’m so cute and sexy” dance, but please remember that I have shit to do. I don’t want to spend 10 minutes watching you take off your pants only to watch you prance in your panties for another 5 minutes. No sir. Do us all a favor and just don’t wear them. Better yet, don’t even wear pants. This would be much better actually. Just pretend that you have them on and do an imaginary strip show. That way you get to feel like a cock tease and I don’t have to wait all god damn day to see your taco. This rule also goes for the bra. Lose it quickly. I have a rule when watching internet porn. If I don't see titties within 30 seconds it's time to move on because you obviously have control issues. 5.) If your going to use a vibrator then lower the damn sound volume – I can’t tell you how annoying it is to sit and listen to some whores vibrator go eeeeehhhhhhhhhhh for the entire video. Mix that in with some god awful mood music and you have a recipe for murder. Now, some of you might be asking: “Well Bagoda, why don’t you just turn off your speakers?”. It’s the principal. I am the consumer. The last thing I want is to be burdened by my porn. Is that asking too much? 6.) If your fat, don’t make a video – It’s that simple. No one wants to see your fat ass naked. Fat chicks are more for sucking cock because, well, no one wants to fuck them. No one wants to see some heffer with saggy balloon titties eat a banana or spend 10 minutes trying to locate her clit through her mounds of excess flesh. I prefer my fat chicks fully clothed.....even if were having sex. If that offends you then too damn bad. Political correctness has no place in pornography. That’s about it. I don’t think that’s asking too much. I hope this guide has helped anyone that either has made a video or is considering making one. The last thing we want is for people to not respect your artistic intentions and think less of you. To those women reading this that have never considered making a web cam video, please reconsider. You will be playing a valuable role in society. If we didn't have free internet porn then people would be out having sex with each other more and that only leads to one thing: more fucking people. And god knows we don't need anymore people on this planet. So please heed my words of advice and follow my few simple rules and you cannot go wrong. As the old saying goes....take one for the team ladies. -= Bagoda =- |
