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I Am Running for President 1.) Abortion – Not only do I believe that abortions should be legal; I believe that they should be mandatory for all people with an IQ below 90 and above 120…..and Mexicans. I also believe that abortions should be legal up to the 75th trimester. This would allow parents to have a “test run” with their kid right up through their teen years. If the child makes it to 18 without being aborted by their parents then they most certainly deserve to live. 2.) Gay Rights (same sex marriage) – This here is a tough one. I am still trying to figure out why these people are fighting so hard for the right to marry when 97% of straight men would love to outlaw heterosexual marriage. I don't see why gays should be excluded from a life of nagging and painfully familiar sex. Since marriage in America is more of a legal tool rather than a union of souls, why the fuck not? If I were to legalize gay marriage I would add a clause making it mandatory for all mildly attractive lesbian couples to make out on command. 3.) Gun Control and Immigration – Two extremely hot issues with one simple solution. Step one: Give all citizens guns. Step two: Make it mandatory to shoot illegal immigrants. Problem solved. Adding an amendment to the patriot act, I would consider all illegal immigrants foreign invaders and obvious terrorists making it every American citizen’s duty to kill them. I would also make it un-American to be obese, bald, thin, short, hairy, stinky, whiny, republican, democrat or scientologist thereby making it legal to eliminate those embarrassing aspects of our society as well. I would also offer tax breaks to those citizens who decide to fulfill their patriotic duty in style with automatic weapons or large explosions. 4.) Health Care – This one is not easy. First of all I would remind all Americans that we are not a socialist nation, so stop your fucking whining. Leaving the weak behind is an unattractive byproduct of the capitalist system that provides the lifestyle you crave in the first place. I would then approve mandatory injections of a mixture of cancer and AIDS for all Americans and require everyone to sign up for my new federal health insurance coverage which would be nothing more than a list of diseases not covered; including cancer and AIDS. 5.) Job Growth – With 90% of American citizens dead or dying, there would most definitely be a large decline in employment almost certainly leading to a shortage of workers. We would most certainly need many healthy people to dig graves and administer shots which would cause a massive boom in employment. I would, of course, out source most of this labor to nations such as India or Australia (which I have already invaded because no one really cares about them) making the remaining American population mid-level management types with nice six figure incomes. Man, I kick ass. 6.) Budget Deficit, Economy, National Debt, Social Security, Tax Cuts, Trade Deficit – Seriously, these would be the least of my concerns as President. Most people don’t know that I am one of the few classically trained, licensed (and bonded) alchemists in the world. I have mastered the art of converting lead into gold as well as bear shit into platinum and period blood into a nice exfoliating facial cleanser. My team of "pseudo scientists" would take care of this problem by removing the lead from congress' ass (just before executing them) and converting it into gold. Problem solved. Economy restored. Best President ever. These are but a few ideas I have for fixing this broken nation. I also have original ideas such as National Nap Time and National Pornography Appreciation Day (which would be every Saturday) and National Smack Your Bitch Up Day (which coincidentally would be every Saturday as well). If you think my ideas are a bit too extreme then you are an America hating terrorist. See you at the polls. Long live democracy! -= Bagoda =- |
