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Retarded Sayings of the Conversationally Challenged Every so often an event in popular culture will give rise to a trendy saying or catch phrase. These phrases are a red flag indicator that you are not dealing with a skilled linguist but more likely a moron who can't think of a halfway intelligent thing to say. As a service to humanity I have compiled a short list of sayings that need to be completely eradicated from conversational English. "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get..." Oh no? When I buy a box of chocolates I know exactly what I am going to get; a box full of damn chocolates. That's precisely the reason I have purchased said box. I have never opened a box of chocolates and been surprised by the contents within. Nope, always chocolate. It is one of the great consistencies that makes my life a little less chaotic.
"Would I lie to you if it wasn’t true?..." Depends on who is asking this question. If it is my ex-girlfriend after I asked her if she slept with my best friend then the answer is yes. Yes you most certainly would you lying whore! You would lie to me even it is true…which it was. But if you were referring to my grandmother then I’d pop you in the mouth cause she’s a fucking saint. "If I could put time in a bottle…" First of all, why the hell would you want to put time in a bottle? I don’t understand. It is a proven scientific fact that time would fold in on itself in a simple bottle due to some technical reasons that can’t be explained without the use of math. In 1684 as a joke Isaac Newton proved that time could only be stored in Mason Jars despite the fact that Mason Jars weren’t invented until the 1850’s which further proves that Newton rocked tits. If in fact Jim Croce could have successfully put time in a bottle perhaps he might have harnessed the energy provided to trim his fucking mustache.
"Six of one, half dozen of the other..." Huh? I'm not doing any fucking math. "Break a leg..." How about you suck a cock? Why the hell would you say this to someone? First of all, don't tell me what to do. Second of all, eat shit. The next person to say this to me will forcibly receive a bit of their own bullshit advise. "In the land of milk and honey…" This is an idiom for paradise? It seems to me that in the land of milk and honey everyone would be fat and diabetic.
"It's always in the last place you look..." Well no shit captain obvious. "Have your cake and eat it too..." Well thank you! I think I will. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll have my cake and shove it up my ass. Or perhaps I'll have my cake, pretend it's a hot apple pie and fuck it. The bottom line is it's my god damn cake and I'll do what I want with it. I don't tell you what to do with your cake so step off my nuts. If I were running shit, everyone who used these sayings would be taken to my secret dungeon and reprimanded anally upon the first offense and set on fire for each consecutive offense thereafter until they are nothing but a charred, anally violated pile of ash that is unable to utter such nonsense. That's how much I hate them. Fuck....I hope my therapist doesn't see this. -= Bagoda =- |
