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The Internet is NOT for Socially Well-Adjusted People If you have been reading this site for any length of time (like a few minutes) you will no doubt agree that I am not a well adjusted person. My favorite pastime includes self righteously judging those that aren't me and my sole justification for choosing psychology as a major is to see how many mother fuckers I can take down with me. But whatever, this article isn't about me (unfortunately). The internet has a long (well, not that long) legacy of being a haven for the mentally deranged, sexually oppressed, socially retarded, and generally rejected numbers of our population. It has long since been a welcome change to the superficial social world that is slowly rendering each and every one of us insane. The anonymous world of the internet allows me to be whoever the hell I want to be without having to answer to my psychiatrist, society, or that chick that sits in front of me in class that I fantasize about choking when I am masturbating to internet porn. The person I most often choose to be is an excessively good looking, well spoken asshole who speaks Spanish, has rock hard abs and shoots laser beams from his eye sockets to pwn stupid newbs. It's not a far cry from who I am in real life (I don't actually speak Spanish) but whatever. The earliest inhabitants of the "tubes" were what we often "refer" to as "nerds". From their large nerd brains they constructed a world where they could freely exchange their star trek trivia and quiz each other on Monty Python dialog without being shoved into a locker or having fire crackers shoved up their asses for simply being who they are. In the beginning all was well. Happy, well adjusted people were out living their lives and the socially inept were posting their klingon dictionaries and D&D strategies on their message boards in peace. There was a time in the not too distant past when people didn't even know what the fuck a Megahertz was or what a modem did and all was well. But then something happened. Slowly the outside world began to infiltrate the safety of the nerd bubble. Soon healthy, well-adjusted people began snooping around and asking questions about "this whole internet thing". Within a few short years we had AOL, full of chatting teenagers and the other “pioneers” of this new and glorious frontier. But all was still well since the majority of people online didn't know there was life beyond their AOL software. But soon people began exploring the outer reaches of cyberspace and began coming in droves like locusts descending upon whatever the fuck locusts eat. Then came the dot-commers and their "bubble" which soon burst when it was realized no one knew what the hell they were doing and all was still well. The nerds were still safely stowed away in their little corners of cyberspace, still discussing things that no psychiatrist or member of the opposite sex would approve of. But then came the search engines. Soon it was possible to find shit you never even knew existed. With this new technology came another drove of swarming locusts who began reshaping “teh internets”. If our story ended here, things would still be well. But, sadly, it does not end here my friends. It goes further. Much further. Then came the final blow. One day an ex-Berkeley hippy decided it might be a good idea to make the internet more appealing to the well socialized and totally clueless. His name was Tom Anderson and his drug was called MySpace. Thus a new epoch in internet history was born. Now, perfectly healthy people were flocking to the net to “socialize” in this new electronic medium and the nerds got nervous. All was still well just as long as these newcomers stayed in their corner of the web. But they didn’t. Like colon cancer, new “social networks” sprang up left and right and thus began the slow progression of the tubes from a nerd sanctuary into a bleeding anus of puss filled cysts called social networks. It soon became “hip” to add the word “social” in front of anything as to say to everyone “look, I’m on the internet but I’m not a pathetic anti-social loser who sits naked in the dark watching anime and jacking off to free 20 second porn clips. No, I am socializing on my social network and sharing my hot net finds via social bookmarking and being a courteous member of my blogging community”. And the internet has never been the same. With the rise of these networks saw an unprecedented cry for civility and social restraint in internet matters. No longer could the nerds speak openly of forcible, nonconsensual homosexual oral sex or infer their enemies enjoyed sodomy with oversized fruits and vegetables. No, these things were no longer acceptable. We are now expected to “respect” other people’s "opinions". Well fuck that and while you’re at it you can suck my dick while you shove a cantaloupe up your ass. The internet is not a place for college kids to build their professional networks or inner city youth to post their shitty home produced hip-hop videos (although horny housewives are always encouraged to post videos of themselves fingering their hot housewife twats). It’s not a place to come and “chat” with friends or “enjoy” a nice discussion about gardening, education, or those stupid fucking cats. No, the internet is a place for socially inept people like me to come and watch porn that makes most people cringe, watch videos of people getting the shit kicked out of them and imagine it is me doing the beating, and maybe for getting a hooker or two from craigslist on a dateless night. That’s it. It’s not a god damn lesson in civility or a means to learn “proper” social skills. Fuck that. Mother fucking titty sucking Christ all mighty. What’s next? Am I going to be expected to wear pants when I check my god damn e-mail? This shit has got to end. If I wanted to “socialize” I’d go “outside”. But I don’t so I sit half naked, unshaven and wreaking of failure entombed in my apartment while secretly wishing for a nuclear holocaust to save me from the very assholes that I am hiding from. That’s the life I’ve chosen and the only one I’m prepared to live. So if you should happen to venture to my neck of the woods and notice my excessive use of the phrase “cock gobbler” or referring to positive things as “rocking titties”, please remember that it is not your civic duty to inform me of my undesirable behavior. I don’t give a fuck. Now, please excuse me as I have had a massive erection for the past 3 paragraphs and it’s getting hard to type with one hand. So before you go about being the internet etiquette police, please remember that this utopia of the deranged will continue to be a haven for the lowest strata of the social world no matter how many services you label as “social”. Except for maybe "social" porn. That would just be weird. Hot, but weird. -= Bagoda =- |