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I Think I Have A Stalker


Well it seems that my months of internet fame have finally caught up with me. It seems that I have fallen victim to the great tragedy that is a super fan gone mad. I completely understand this phenomenon, as I would stalk me if I weren’t me. It’s perfectly understandable for someone to be so deeply in love with me that it causes them to do bizarre things. The only problem is the nature of the stalker. If this were some random fan or even and ex-girlfriend, I would sit back and enjoy it. But what scares me is that this stalker is not a fan or an ex-girlfriend. In fact, my stalker is not even a human. There is a single entity that has visited my website more times than even I have. Yes, I am talking about the evil, cunning, and ever-so mysterious…..Googlebot.

When I first began to see the Googlebot visiting my site I was obviously excited. Everyone knows that SEO is important for any website. For a while there the bot did its thing and that was that. But then last week when I was checking my statistics I saw this.

This is a PNG provided by my web hosting service showing the top 10 ISP's of my visitors. Yeah I know, I was a bit surprised too. Even if Google is doing some massive yearly re-indexing, 44 visits in one day is a bit much. But wait, there's more. The first one was taken on December 31'st. Here is another one from January 1st.

A little less than the previous day but it still visited my site more than anyone else. What the fuck? At this point I laughed it off but the next day I got another jolt.

60 fucking crawls? What the hell? At this point I began to get scared. The next day only reaffirmed my paranoia.

That's over 164 visits in one week. And to top that off, there are only five other domains that have visited this site more than the Googlebot in the past 5 months.

I think that it would do some good to clarify a few things before we proceed. A few months ago I was at an internet cafe and I got an instant message from Googlebot Gurl-e 69. We began talking and she told me all about her job as a spider. Well after a few Lo-Carb Monster's I was feeling a bit frisky and starting talking nasty to her. Here's a cached copy of the conversation from here database.

Googlebot Gurl-e 69: What up playa?
Bagoda: Jus chillin' yu know hows we doit.
Googlebot Gurl-e 69: aight aight
Bagoda: So what color panties you wearin?
Googlebot Gurl-e 69: I don't wear panties lol =)
Bagoda: Ooooohhhh....a freak huh?
Googlebot Gurl-e 69: yuppers
Bagoda: Hey you wanna hook up?
Googlebot Gurl-e 69: cool cool.

So we started seeing each other. The first few weeks went smooth but then I got this message in my g-mail.

Googlebot Gurl-e 69: Hey punk ass, why the hell has Windows Live sent you 12 hits today? Are you fucking around behind my back? And why the hell does Alexa continue to lower your rank despite the fact that your traffic has come to a screeching halt? If it weren't for me making entries into your server log you would be at 800,000 at least. And who the hell is this Cindy trying to get you to upgrade to SEO pro?! Who the fuck is she!?! I swear to god if your cheating on me I will find you and make you pay. Don't fuck with me! P.S. you might want to take up Larry's offer of all natural penis enlargement pills PWNED!

This all took place on December 30th so you can see why I am a bit concerned.

Googlebot has no doubt crawled this page by now so I would like to take this opportunity to say a few words. It's over. Plain and simple. I have moved on. It's nothing against you personally, but I am too young to be tied down. I don't want to feel guilty for using Alta Vistas audio search or Ask.com's superior pornographic image search. Please leave me alone. Go on with your life. I realize that living without me will never quite be the same, but please, stay strong. And if you crawl my site one more fucking time in an inappropriate manner I will pursue legal action. It's a shame what some desperate woman will do for a hot piece of fine man ass such as mine. It's kind of sickening.


-= Bagoda =-




Originally Posted - 1/06/07