How Big of A Loser Do You Have to Be to Take Advice From Your Snack Food?

How Big of A Loser Do You Have to Be
to Take Advice From Your Snack Food?

Have you ever been sitting around, enjoying a nice cool beverage when it suddenly occurred to you that it would be awesome if this two dollar tasty treat could just solve that one nagging problem you have about your passive-aggressive girlfriend who can’t seem to hold a job, wants to move in with you and smells a bit like rancid cheese but gives great head? Because, well, let’s face it, when one of life’s little problems rears its ugly head the first place I go is to my soft drink bottle cap.

Luckily for me I drink Jones soda. Like most other bullshit little companies, Jones has a “corporate philosophy” which means it’s run by a bunch of politically correct, emasculated, college boys who value the perception of equality over sexual intercourse with real live women. These are the same men who run in the breast cancer marathons for "moral" support and are tied down to some gaping mouthed vagina crusader who will only put out if every ounce of manhood is stolen from her faceless sperm machine. And it seems as though no small company can get by in today’s market without a philosophy. That shit is so gay. Do people actually think we care that they are “environmentally friendly” or obey “child labor laws”? Fuck no. Most people I know would purchase soda made by Exxon fucking Mobil if they could produce the shit cheaper and with minimal side effects.

Anyways. So I was drinking this Jones soda the other day and I happened to look under the bottle cap and it read, “Next week would be an opportune time to set your plan into motion”. Holy fuck! How the hell did they know about my plan?!? I guess today wasn't the right time to launch my big plan of sitting around all day in my underwear, eating ice cream, and crank calling the home shopping network. Thank god I opened that bottle of soda or I would have looked quite the fool.

And what would have happened if someone a bit more mentally deranged than myself would have opened that bottle of soda? What if some paranoid schizophrenic had been hatching a plot for complete global annihilation waiting only for a sign from his dead turtle which just happened to love root beer? We would all be fucked is what.

Tasty treats have a long history of offering helpful tidbits of knowledge. Historically it has been the fortune cookie that has offered any sort of helpful mind nuggets but even they are turning into new age hippies spewing forth advice about random subjects that make our society weak. Just this evening I got a fortune cookie that told me it is about time to forgive someone. That’s not even a god damn fortune. And could the cookie have been more ambiguous? Who am I supposed to forgive? What if I forgive the wrong person? I am so confused.

On the one hand, taking your psychological advice from a fortune cookie means that you don’t have to sit in some stuffy room with an uptight twat who wasn’t smart enough to get into a real college major draw a doodle of the new Mercedes she’d going to purchase just as soon as your insurance check comes in and who is going to end up telling you the exact same thing. But on the other hand if you need a fortune cookie to tell you what to do it just might be time to end your life.

Why do fortune cookies have to be all upbeat and positive anyways? If I owned a fortune cookie factory I would make fortunes that fuck with peoples heads. Fortunes like…

Or...

I miss the good old days when faceless corporations cold heartedly sold us shit that made our anus’ bleed and didn’t try to be our friends. What’s next? Parenting tips from porno or free health care advice from our drug dealers? This shit has got to stop. The other day I saw a billboard that encouraged kids to go outside and play! How fucked up has our society become when we have to spend millions of dollars to tell kids to go play? Pretty damn fucked up. These kids end up growing up obese, illiterate, and taking their psychological advice from their snack foods because they are so stupid that no one in their right mind would attempt to converse with their mongoloid asses.

Perhaps I've gotten a little off subject but you get my point. How’s this for a corporate philosophy? Offer a good product at a reasonable price. Holy fuck that is revolutionary! Drop all that hippy “if you buy this product you are saving a starving child in Africa” bullshit because no one really cares. Even the people who buy it because it says that don’t really care. They just buy the shit so they can take it to work and appear as though they are good citizens of the world and have a heart of gold but when they take their shoes off at night they use them to beat their children like the rest of us.

-= Bagoda =-

Originally Posted - 06/28/08