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Fall 2006 Television Season Review
During my brief viewing I was introduced to a show called “Celebrity Duets”. Just in case you haven’t seen this show, you are not missing anything. It appears to be just another American Idol rip off (which subsequently was a rip off itself) with the usual formula of noxious mind numbing stupidity. Instead of the non offending “Neutered Neutral” host Ryan Seacrest we get the black equivalent, Wayne Brady. The panel of judges seemed like some warped mirror image of the original show. Filling in for the aging female wash out is Marie Osmond. Obviously she has drunk up the money she received from her "smash hit" show Donny and Marie a few years back. Filling in for the token black guy with music industry insight is Little Richard. Since I find gay people hilarious, Little Richard is the only thing that kept me halfway entertained. Acting as the angry foreign white guy is David Foster, a Canadian something or other that did some shit no one cares about along time ago. The “celebrities” that they had on the show were quite questionable. As I sat there I heard Alfonso Ribeiro belt some god awful tune. Yes that’s right, Carlton Banks; The second most nerdy black guy in TV history. I don’t remember what song he sang or who his partner was, but I do remember it sucked really, really, really, really bad. Next up was Lucy Lawless. I was surprised to see her on a television show as I had envisioned her as having her own series of porn movies by now. Who wouldn’t love to see “Xena Warrior Cunt Box” or “Xena the Pink Pussy Princess”? To make matters worse, halfway through the song out popped Dionne Warwick. What’s the matter honey, the psychic friend’s network not paying the bills? I think you were the only person to not see that one coming. The only person I hate more in the world than Lucy Lawless is Dionne Warwick……quite possibly Richard Simmons but he’s gay therefore I think he’s funny. At this point in the evening I could stand no more. I quickly remembered why I stopped watching prime time television. The last television show I tried to get into was Lost when it first came on but they kept showing reruns. Although it’s always fun to see an Arab getting tortured, you can only see it so many times before it gets old. As of now there are three channels on television I watch. I watch my local Fox channel for the morning news program (which contains roughly 12% news), Comedy Central, and the History Channel (I try to catch that hour or so of new shows between marathon WWII programming). As the self appointed knower of all things, I have decided to review the newest television shows for the fall season. Since I have not seen any of these shows I can offer a completely unbiased review. Fortunately for you I choose not to. Here are some of the “gems” to hit the airwaves in fall 2006. Brothers and Sisters – Just what the world needs; another fucking soap opera! According to tv.com “Brothers & Sisters follows the Walkers through the maze of American life today -- the pressures, limitless options and the struggle to grow beyond our backgrounds into ourselves.” Wow, sounds really interesting (yawn). I’ve got a better idea. Why not actually go out and live your own fucking life and experience these things for yourself. That way you would not have to waste precious hours of your miserable existence watching some idiot get paid way too much to do things you only wish you had the courage to think about. Prediction = This will probably make girls cry. The Game – It seems like writers aren’t even trying any more. This is like that show with that hot chick from that one show with the bunny puppet that was just like Married With Children. Remember that show? The one where she married some fat wrestler and all of America got to see how lame it is to be a wrestler? Anyways, this show is just like that except with black people! In this new sitcom we get to see “Melanie Barnett, a young college student who gave up a scholarship to her dream college and her parents' approval to follow her boyfriend Derwin Davis” who is a professional football player. As I read further into the synopsis I realize a startling contradiction. “Despite being urged by her parents, as well as by her cousin Joan, to continue her college education to become a doctor, Melanie still decided to attend a different college in order to spend more time with and support her NFL pro boyfriend………. As she learns the ropes of her new life as a pro football star's girlfriend, Tasha and Kelly immediately warn her to keep a close eye on her boyfriend Derwin because of the numerous "gold diggers" that approach professional football players.” It seems that this show is about a gold digging whore who is trying to protect her man from other gold digging whores. Why finish college and become a doctor when you’ve got a multimillion dollar meal ticket right here? Way to go Warner Brothers! You have successfully set back the woman’s lib movement 20 years (not that I care). Prediction = Gold digging whores will like it. Desire – In this show “Nate Haden and Zack Silva star as two brothers on the run from the mob, fleeing from their New Jersey home to the perceived safety of Los Angeles. Their trek is made all the more tumultuous by one very unfortunate circumstance: both brothers are passionately in love with the same woman” I don’t think I even need to comment on the stupidity of this show. We can expect 65 of these gems to be aired 5 times a week for the next 13 weeks. Why not just shoot yourself now and get it over with. Prediction = Cancelled before any one gets laid. Fashion House – This is the triumphant return from the gutter for 2 of the worlds most forgot about old hags. Bo Derek and Morgan Fairchild star in an exciting new soap opera that brings together two of the most worthless topics; fashion and business, and then adds enough drama to keep even Michael Moore entertained. This one sounds like another winner! Prediction = Cancelled. Michael Moore will then make a movie “explaining” the conspiracy behind the cancellation of the show due to a secret right wing plan to completely phase out the fashion industry to force all Americans to buy Fruit of the Loom products. The Class – “In this CBS comedy created by David Crane and Jeffrey Klarik a group of twenty-somethings who were third-grade classmates are reunited at a surprise party 20 years later. What will happen when they find out what each other's lives are like now?” Who cares? This show looks like a hip new version of Friends. The only problem with it is that it is neither hip nor new. Here is another show about a group of young people trying to come to terms with the fact that they secretly want to have sex with each other. Prediction = Cancelled after Man A has sex with Girl B behind Girl A’s back and Man B secretly develops a crush on Man C all the while Girl A is secretly molesting cucumbers and looking at pictures of Girl A's father in Speedos at which time Man C finds out about Man B’s crush on him and decides to fuck Girl A, B, and C to convince himself he is not turned on by such homosexual advances only to realize he was actually born a woman during the same time in which Girl A and Girl B discover that they are both hermaphrodites and make hot monkey love to each other as Girl A’s father watches from his computer because they accidentally left the web cam on……and that's just the first episode. Runaway – ‘RUNAWAY deals with the lives and adventures of a family on the run as fugitives seeking to prove the innocence of the father, Paul Rader, after he is unjustly accused of murder.” I fell asleep just reading the synopsis. Prediction = How the fuck does this shit get on the air in the first place? Vanished – “This FOX drama centers on the search for Sara Collins. She's the wife of Senator Jeffrey Collins. Sara vanishes and the FBI lead by Agent Graham Kelton is on the job, but before they can find her they need to find out who she really is”. Who cares! The bitch is better off missing. Collect the insurance money and get on with your life already. Prediction = They will some how turn this simple idiotic plot into 12 years of shows. Heroes – What the fuck is this? This show seems like the writers cut out a bunch of words, put them in a hat, and pulled them out to create a plot line. “Heroes is a serial saga about people all over the world discovering that they have superpowers and trying to deal with how this change affects their lives.” This show sounds like Mystery Men meets X-men meets Oprah. One of my favorite characters is “Niki Sanders, a 33-year-old Las Vegas showgirl who can do incredible things with mirrors”. Exactly what kind of things can she do with mirrors? My grandfather used to say “son there is nothing sexier than a woman that can do incredible things with mirrors.” I look forward to proving my grandfather right. Another "interesting" character is “Diego Medina, a 28-year-old junkie who has the ability to paint images of the future when he is high.” Holy shit, I just found out I was a super hero! And what’s more, I don’t even need to be high. I can predict the outcome of this crappy show right now. Prediction = Although it blows it will remain on the air because it provides the proper channel to completely engulf oneself in a fictional fantasy thereby forgetting for a brief second that your life is not worth living. Studio 60 – “Studio 60 (is) a fictional sketch-comedy series on the NBS broadcast network. Problem is the series seems to be going down the tube fast. Everyone involved with the late-night dud seems to have one problem or another….” Hmmm…I wonder if they are some how, indirectly, in a round about way referring to Saturday Night Live? No that’s too obvious. It must be based on some other shitty late night sketch comedy show that kills more careers than it creates. Oh wait there aren't any. About the only thing I can find positive about this show is that Mathew Perry is finally in a dramatic series. Maybe he will love it so much that he will refuse to do any more comedy. Prediction = Even though it is a drama it will still be funnier than Mathew Perry hosting Saturday Night Live. The Knights of Prosperity – Hmmm. I don’t know what to think of this one. Although it sounds like it could be funny, it’s still a sitcom therefore I know it will blow. This show is about “A guy who has spent years dreaming of quitting his graveyard janitorial job and opening up a bar.” I like how they play nicely on the stereotype that all janitors are booze guzzling drunks. “But one night after catching an episode of MTV’s Cribs, Eugene recruits a group (of) misfits to help him to carry out his plot to rob a plush celebrity apartment inhabited by the one and only Mick Jagger,” Uh oh, here we go. The fact that they mention MTV and Mick Jagger in the same sentence is enough to let me know that this show will suck harder then Seinfeld at a gay bar. The overall premise sounds barely interesting but after the first few episodes were left with another lame cheers knock off. Prediction = Drunk janitors will like it. Help Me Help You – Boy it seems that Ted Danson is desperate for work these days. This show is about “....a bunch of people who are all really messed up in different ways and put them in a room together to try and help each other out. The group leader, Dr. Bill Hoffman, is probably the craziest and most self-obsessed of all….” Give another one to the sadists. Lets watch a bunch of people with emotional problems attempt to sort things out…that will be funny wouldn’t it!? Listen, if I wanted to see a bunch of crazy people talk to some self proclaimed genius I would go to church. There are two things that keep this show from getting a total failure rating by me. The first one is that it is an obvious attempt to make fun of Doctor Phil, and any one who makes fun of this moron is O.K. by me. The second is that Jane Kaczmarek is in it (the mom from Malcolm in the Middle) and she can do no wrong in my book. Prediction = It will last a few seasons until the patients health care providers decides they are “sane” and refuse to pay for therapy. Smith – “This drama follows the adventures of a team of thieves who visit different cities to execute high-level crimes.” That’s the entire synopsis? Well hot damn sign me up. This show stars Ray Liota as a criminal posing as a normal family man. So in other words he’s playing George Bush? I don’t get why I should care about this show at all. Neither should you. Prediction = This show will blow harder than Katrina. Standoff – Here is another one of Fox’s hip new one word titled shows. In this masterpiece “Matt Flannery and Emily Lehman are top-ranked crisis negotiators in the FBI's Crisis Negotiation Unit who are trained to talk their way through volatile situations. They make an outstanding team professionally, but their relationship is a bit more precarious off the job. The series advances the fundamental idea that in life and in love "Everything is a negotiation." That is so profound. Where can I buy your magic beans sir? This show seems like another lame attempt to draw out some stupid plot line with way too much drama and ridiculous “twists and turns”. Prediction = Do you really care anymore? Friday Night Lights – “Eric Taylor, a first-time high school football coach, finds himself helming a stellar team that has a real chance to make it to the top. The stakes are high, the reward is sweet, and the pressure is immense. Can Eric take his boys all the way while keeping their morale and morality intact?” ZZZZZZZ..huh, what? Sorry I was so stimulated by that amazing plot line that I must have dozed off. Here is a show about the self proclaimed kings of the universe…high school jocks. Just about the only people that will be interested in this show are current and past high school jocks. Having them as the target audience, you can expect see a lot of commercials for cheap booze and NASCAR. This show is by far the most worthless piece of crap to hit the airwaves since Cop Rock. Prediction = It will last a few episodes before the advertisers realize that their target audience has an average annual income of less than $18,000 a year. Well that’s about it for one article. I had no idea how many new shows there were until I started writing this. I have only covered Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I will post a follow up article to finish out the rest of the week shortly. The fact that there are so many new shows tells you that there are so many crappy shows being introduced every season. If you have seen any of these shows and disagree with what I have written, tough shit. If you haven’t seen any of these and disagree with what I have written, blow me. Read the second half of this article here. All italicized quotes are from tv.com so don't send me any fucking e-mails pointing out spelling or grammar mistakes regarding these; all others are welcome. -= Bagoda =- |