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Fall 2006 Television Season Review
The Nine – In this show “Nine people learn they share a common bond that was forged when they lived through a 52-hour hostage standoff during a bank robbery that changed their lives forever. Each episode will begin with a flashback that reveals another 10 minutes of the robbery that uncovers why and how these nine strangers remain linked to each others.” How do you keep an idiot is suspense? Tell them to watch The Nine. This show seems to follow in the footsteps of Lost and 24 as an over dramatic, overly suspenseful shitty show about a bunch of crap that doesn’t mean a god damn thing. The actors in this show will be featured in the upcoming "Where are they now" special set to air next fall. Prediction = Drama queens will like it. Jericho – “After a nuclear disaster caused by several terrorist attacks destroys most of America, residents of a small Kansas town must come to terms with a new and very different reality.” This show has the potential to be pretty good. It has my two favorite words in one sentence (nuclear and destroy). But my guess is that within a few episodes it will turn into another worthless television show. Even with nuclear annihilation their will inevitably be some drama about some quirky human trait, emotions will flair, and heart felt lessons will be learned. Prediction = This show will be less than explosive. Justice – “Justice is a legal drama on FOX that revolves around the world of high-profile celebrity attorneys in the Los Angeles law firm of Trott, Nicholson, Tuller & Graves, who will go to any lengths to free their rich and powerful clients.” Does any body see the irony in the title? This show seems to be nothing about justice whatsoever. I was wondering when we were going to see a new law drama. God knows we need more of them. This show successfully fuses on two of the world’s most boring topics, law and celebrities. I have just one question; who gives a shit? I mean really; who gives a flying fuck? I have better things to do than watch a bunch of overpaid, conceded, self obsessed megalomaniacs cover up for other overpaid, conceded, self obsessed megalomaniacs. This is exactly what is wrong with our culture today. Let’s build an entire show around how great it is to be rich and how you can do anything you want as long as you have the money to back it up. What kind of message is this sending to our children (not that I care)? The writers of this show deserve to be shot. Prediction = Americans will love this show. 30 Rock –“Liz Lemon…..is the head writer of the fictional TV show, 'The Girlie Show.' When her old boss dies and a new boss comes in, Liz must try to run a successful TV show without losing her mind.” This show seems like a last desperate attempt for Alec Baldwin (douche bag), Tracy Morgan (black guy from Saturday Night live), and Tina Fey (annoying hag from Saturday Night Live) before their careers fall into the abyss. This show by far is the stupidest idea yet. It might actually work if they had some decent talent. The main reason I stopped watching Saturday Night Live was because of Tina Fey. She can play one character, an annoying little bitch. Her signature move is to do something “cute” or stupid and look directly in the camera with a look of idiocy on her face. Actually I think that’s just the way she looks naturally. We can expect this show to be released directly onto the $1 DVD rack. Prediction = Not even Tina Fey's mother will like this show. Twenty Good Years – “Twenty Good Years revolves around John Mason and Jeffrey Pyne, two polar opposites who disagree on just about everything. The only thing upon which they do agree is that they only have about twenty good years left to live. At John's birthday party, they both decide to spend their last good years doing things they've never done before.” Of all the shows thus far, this one definitely proves to have the most potential. The only thing that would really screw this show up is bad writing. This series stars two of comedies most respected (and least acknowledged) actors. John Lithgow (3rd Rock From the Sun) and Jeffrey Tambor (Arrested Development) can do no wrong in my book. I never liked 3rd rock from the sun, but I did acknowledge that the only reason it stayed on the air was because of John Lithgow. Who can forget his brilliant performance as George Henderson in Harry and the Henderson’s? Jeffrey Tambor played both George and Oscar Bluth in Arrested development (one of the best shows ever made by the way) as well as innumerable roles throughout his career. If this show is done right I can foresee a sort of Jack Lemon/Walter Matthau quality to it. Prediction = The writers will screw this one up sooner or later. Kidnapped – “Timothy Hutton and Dana Delaney star in this thrilling drama as a wealthy and powerful New York couple whose teenage son has been kidnapped. With local law enforcement, the FBI, and a private negotiating team all working on the case, one might think the boy would be rescued in no time...but as the series unfolds, it becomes clear that this "perfect" family may be hiding a few dark secrets of their own.” Oooooohh…sounds interesting. This show sounds about as interesting as a retard on Jeopardy. Oh wait, that actually would be interesting. This show kind of sounds like that other show about the missing senator’s wife. Another show about some rich pricks doing some shit no one wants to see. Who cares if your son is missing? How did you find out? Did Rosa the nanny tell you, or was it Juan the gardener? He probably staged the kidnapping himself to get a little attention from his overachieving parents. This show sounds like another snooze fest to the highest degree. I’m beginning to think that they expect us to watch anything that has to do with rich people, celebrities, the FBI, lawyers, or missing people. Here’s an idea for a show. An FBI agent gets kidnapped by a disgruntled lawyer and the only one that can crack the case in the rich son of a missing celebrity. Add a few twists and turns and some really serious music and you have a sure fire hit. Prediction = Another pointless show that will go on for years. Ugly Betty – “Betty Suarez has always had one goal in life: to make it into the fashion industry. Despite being smart, hard-working, and productive, her dream has always been shadowed by the fact that she isn't the best looking young woman. However, she is now determined to do whatever it takes to fulfill that ultimate dream.” Here we have another American rip off a popular international television show. I bet that when the executives were sitting around talking about this show, they probably said something like “Oh this show will be so inspirational to ugly little girls everywhere” or “This will show society that you don’t have to be pretty to be successful.” One thing that bothers me is that the lead character Betty is not really ugly. She is Hollywood ugly Which mean she has braces, wears funky glasses, has an odd hairstyle, and has never had plastic surgery to "correct" god's little mistakes but that certainly does not make her ugly. I would bend her over in the nearest restroom in a heartbeat. There is a difference between ugly and goofy. If you took her braces and glasses off, and gave her a new hairdo, she would be smoking hot. What does this say to real ugly people everywhere? If I were ugly (which I am not) I would be thinking “Man, if they think this chick is ugly then I am REALLY ugly. I mine as well go blow my fucking head off.” Prediction = Politically correct morons will embrace it. Six Degrees – “They say that anyone on the planet can be connected to any other person through a chain of six people, which means that no one is a stranger... for long……..six very different New Yorkers go about their lives without realizing the impact they're having on one another - yet. A mysterious web of coincidences will gradually draw these strangers closer, changing the course of their lives forever. Is it happenstance? Fate? Is there a greater force at work in our world, guiding us along and connecting our lives?” I will answer those questions for you Mr. synopsis writer. No, No and yo mama. Is it happenstance? Well it might be if it weren’t a carefully written and planned out television series. I could make anything sound like “happenstance” (god I hate that word, it sounds like fucking Ebonics) if I tried hard enough. Is it fate? Only if you’re an idiot sir. Is there a greater force at work in our world, guiding us along and connecting our lives? If there is, I sincerely hope that he has better things to do. This show seems to dive into “deep” waters. The writers are probably a bunch of philosophy major drop outs that want to “expose” the world to some “realism”. Sure they say that every one can be connected by six people. So what? They also say that Adam and Eve were the first people on earth. If you believe that then we are all just a bunch of inbred retards anyway. I can connect all these actors to me in less than six steps. As a taxpayer I will soon have the added burden of contributing to their unemployment checks when this ridiculous series gets canned. Prediction = New age hippies will think it’s a sign from god. Shark – “Sebastian Stark, a charismatic, supremely self-confident defense attorney who, after a shocking outcome in one of his cases and a personal epiphany, brings his cutthroat tactics to the prosecutor's office as the head of the Los Angeles District Attorney's High Profile Crime Unit. A group of young prosecutors are about to have the learning experience of a lifetime because, though Stark is seeking to redeem himself, he has no intention of cooling his underhanded approach to cases just because he's now working for the "good guys." Oh boy, another lawyer show. And not just any lawyer show, a high profile case lawyer show, a show about a “rebel” lawyer who doesn’t play by the rules. This show sounds exactly like Justice except for the fact that he is on the other side. How original. Who the fuck cares about this shit? How many times can you see a courtroom proceeding and be entertained? I like how they have the word “good guys” in quotation marks. Is this to add some sort of mystery? Are we to question the validity of that statement just because you added quotation marks? Everyone knows that prosecutors are just as big of slime balls as defense attorneys. They both lie, cheat, and use any means necessary to win. It’s all a matter of perception. If a defendant is found guilty and actually is guilty, then the prosecutor seems like a hero. On the other hand, if the defendant is really innocent then the prosecutor is a lying scumbag whore. Anyways….that’s a little off subject. Prediction = This show will suck harder than James Woods’ acting ability. Til Death – “In this new comedy, a pair of newlyweds, Jeff Woodcock and Steph Woodcock,who have been married 12 days, move in next door to a long-married couple. Eddie Stamm (and Joy Stamm who have been married for over 8,000 days, provide the younger couple with a surprising look at what their future might hold Til Death.” I think I saw this show a few weeks ago. Only they called something else. What was it? Hmmm. Oh yeah, it was called I Love Lucy! There happened to be one exception; the old couple was called Fred and Ethel and the young couple called themselves Lucy and Ricky. This show is just another good example of what a would-be writer is capable of fresh out of college. The only thing funny about this show is that the couples name is Woodcock. Prediction = It will be yanked off the air faster than I can yank my woodcock. Happy Hour – “Henry Beckman had the perfect life, a great job, a perfect girlfriend and a sweet apartment - until Henry gets dumped by Heather, the girl he thought was “the one,” and he is now thrown into an apartment with a man who has his own surreal opinions on life and women, his new roommate, Larry Cone. Henry begins to rebuild his life and now want to find himself a job and a new love.” Jesus, what is this a fucking soap opera? That’s a lot of shit for a little sitcom. That doesn’t even sound funny. After reading the synopsis I am feeling depressed. I can’t wait to watch this comedic gem with a gun in my mouth. Prediction = Who cares, I’m sad…..now give me a show. Celebrity Duets – This is the show that sparked this entire article. If you haven’t read part one yet, you can find my review there. Men in Trees – “Finding a good man in today's world isn't as difficult as some women think. They just have to watch out for the signs, and it's the job of Marin Frist as a relationship coach and best-selling author to help women to find the right men. She travels the U.S. to give women help about how to find the right guy, using her personal life as a model. Now that she has a fiancé, she just released her new book meant to help women find the right men for a great marriage. Before the wedding, she has one little conference in Alaska. On the plane, she discovers her love life isn't going that well at all as she finds out her fiancé has been cheating on her. She now has to forget everything she has learned about men and gain new knowledge about love and relationships.” Does no one do their homework anymore? Am I the only one that finds the irony in casting Anne Heche as an expert on man woman relationships? Why not create a series and have Little Richard give advice on how to find the perfect woman. Why not give George Bush a show on searching for moral perfection? The first line of the synopsis says “Finding a good man in today's world isn't as difficult as some women thin.” Of course it isn’t. But the thing most women forget is that they are gold digging whores. All you have to do to get a man is realize that you are not the center of the universe, realize that it is not our job to buy you shit, realize that we don’t care about what you think, realize that we refuse to talk to you about our feelings, and realize again that you are a gold digging whore (I’m sure you forgot by now). This show is ridiculous on so many levels therefore it will be a smash hit. Prediction = Lonely fat lesbians will love it. Well it turned out to be a big old pain in the ass writing these articles. Who knew there was so much new crap on TV? When I decided to write this article I was thinking that there was maybe 10 or 11, but not nearly this many. I would hate to think of what it would be like to examine the new cable shows. Fuck television! Read the first half of this article here. All italicized quotes are from tv.com so don't send me any fucking e-mails pointing out spelling or grammar mistakes regarding these; all others are welcome. -= Bagoda =- |