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If I Owned the Universe... If I owned the universe, things would be way different; perhaps in a good way, but probably not. I’m not a fan of goodness. I prefer total domination. Which is bad. Right? Anyways. If I owned the universe, things would be different. Fuck, I think I said that already. Let me start over. If I owned the universe, things would be way different. The first thing I would do is move all the Mexicans to Neptune. Why Neptune? Do I need a reason? Fuck no; I own the god damn universe remember? I would put them on Uranus but it's currently full of semen. I think they would be way happier on Neptune anyways. Neptune’s atmosphere is composed mostly of hydrogen and helium and we all know how much Mexicans love their helium. They love helium, piñatas, and mariachi music for their quinceaneras and cock fights. The ones with roosters, not the "other" kind. Anyways. It would be fun to visit them (which I’d probably never do) and hear them speak Spanish in their high voices. They would sound less threatening when they get drunk and beat their wives. Everybody loves non threatening drunken Mexicans. Everybody! The next thing I would do is cancel every television show except for the Simpsons and everything on the the porn channel. In the name of efficiency I would probably just merge the two and have a 24 hour Simpsons porn channel. It would be a little weird to see Bart bang Millhouse's mom though. Would that be considered child porn? Oh well, if it is, I would make it not child porn since he's technically older than me. I’ve always wanted to see Selma and Patty double team Barney for some reason. Don’t ask me why but I think about it like everyday. I’ve also wanted to see sideshow Bob woo the ladies. He’s a smooth mother fucker that sideshow Bob. I bet he’d lick their little clitty and everything. Is that a word, clitty? Well, if it isn’t, it is now. Nipples will also be called clitty’s con leche from now on. But only on Neptune. Also, if I was the owner of the universe, I would give everything a vagina. EVERYTHING! Even vaginas. How awesome would it be to fuck a vagina's vagina? Pretty damn awesome if you ask me. And every vagina would secrete a turkey sandwich and a bean bag chair upon being filled with my man goo. It would then disappear and leave me the fuck alone. And if everything had a vagina, nothing would be gay. Even gay people would have vaginas and hence, not be gay (unless they touched vagina's which would be hot and therefore not gay). That would make the Christians happy. At least until Jesus returns and they find out he has a vagina. That would be a little weird. Now that I’ve gotten rid of the Mexicans, created the greatest television network in the universe, and given everything a vagina, it’s time to…hmmm…it’s time to…uuhhhh. It seems as though the universe is now perfect and is in no need of further alteration. I'm going to fuck my keyboard and then take a nap in my bean bag chair after I eat a sandwich. Later.
Here's is a picture of me as the new owner of the universe and also fucking my
bathroom sink's vagina.
-= Bagoda =- |
