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Everybody Loves A Whore Whore. I love that word. Do you know a whore? Do you REALLY? Dictionary.com defines a whore as “a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet.” and “a person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain". For the sake of this article we will be using these two definitions in our discussion of whores. Many people use the term loosely, but it is my hope to inform the masses of the large varieties of legitimate whores that are in our midst. This is by no means a comprehensive guide but shall serve as a starting point for future whore research. The following are the basic garden variety types of whores. 1.)The Crack Whore – This is perhaps one of the more widely known types of whore. The crack whore is characterized by her deep love and need for Crack Cocaine. For those of you that don’t know, crack cocaine is a man made synthetic of a much more potent substance called “Criznaticus Cizokinicus” which, as legend has it, is found under the finger nails of the lord almighty after he scratches his holy nut sack. The ancient Greeks used to smoke this holy nut butter openly as the lord giveth the bounty plentiful back then. In the 9th century the Catholic Church led an expedition to heaven to slay the lord almighty to protect their seat of power and thus the well dried up on the lords’ gift to man kind. Thankfully we humans are a resourceful bunch and in the late 70’s the CIA bought the recipe from the pope as a means to get rid of the black folk. This of course didn’t work, but it did bear one great fruit. The introduction of the crack whore. The crack whore does a marvelous service to humanity by her willingness to do sexual favors for mere pennies on the dollar. Of course you run the risk of your penis being gnarled by her one, pointy tooth, or contracting one of the many sexually transmitted diseases she carries yet refuses to die from. The physical features of this type of whore is characterized by sagging or lack of titties, a face that looks like it has been beaten repeatedly by a flashlight or some sort of bicycle chain, messy hair or sporadic bald spots, and of course the famous crack whore twitch. This type of whore is usually harmless unless you have a wallet in a visible location or a bag of crack. 2.) The Tweaker Bitch – Most people confuse this person with the crack whore. Of course to the layman this is an honest mistake. The physical characteristics of the tweaker bitch are quite similar to the crack whore. They both have “neglected” oral cavities, an extremely poor practice of personal hygiene and most go missing on windy days. The major difference of the tweaker bitch (other than the fact that’s she is usually white) is that she is not interested in crack cocaine at all. No, she has a much more refined pallet that can only be pleased with a large dose of good old methamphetamine (speed, crank, crystal, ice….you get the idea). Yes, the tweaker bitch loves her some speed. There are two main differences in the tweaker bitch. First, since her drug lasts much longer than the crack whores, she is much more dangerous. While the crack whore is busy sucking cock or having fists shoved up her ass for a dime rock, the tweaker bitch is going full speed on her “big plan”. This usually includes puting on make-up and stealing copper wiring at 3:00 a.m. for some reason and almost always ends with a trip to Home Depot. The desperation of the tweaker bitch does not come as often as often as the crack whore but when it does, we all benefit. Most men love this type of whore because she is not interested in eating and can suck a cock for an hour straight with no problem. 3.) The Drunken Whore – This is one of the more socially acceptable types of whores. As a young woman she is generally considered cute and sexy by all the men she fucks on a daily basis. Between the ages of 16 and 35, the drunken whore enjoys a time of endless bounty, a time of freedom and hedonism that is unmatched. This particular breed of whore is quite useful to society at large. It is because of her that fat men with small dicks get laid in the first place. It is because of them that 32 year old computer nerds finally lose their virginity. Their willingness to fuck anything that moves at any time in any location definitely earns them their place in society’s ranks. The drunken whore is even kind enough to offer blow jobs and hand jobs to people considered too “grotesque” to actually have sex with. You can find this type of whore in any local bar, liquor store, or passed out in an alley. 4.)The Drunken Bowling Alley Whore – This whore has the same characteristics as the regular drunken whore but she is more specialized. You will only find this type of whore in he cocktail lounge of a bowling alley. She is generally too good to be seen in a regular bar and usually refuses to have sex with anyone that has a handicap of 20 or higher. 5.) The Stupid Dirty Hippy Whore – This is perhaps one of the most elusive and repulsive whores known to modern man. This type of whore is usually unemployed or works as a preschool teacher emphasizing equality and creativity to her trapped and helpless little victims. The main problem with the stupid dirty hippy whore (other than the fact that she refuses to shave or use feminine hygiene products) is that she usually only fucks other stupid dirty hippies. Of course if someone has a desire to fuck a stupid dirty hippy it usually isn’t hard if you have a big sack…..of weed that is. There are other ways to receive their “free love” but they usually involve things like activism and other shit that requires too god damned much effort. 6.) The Internet Cam Whore – This type of whore is a relatively new breed. Commonly believed to be an updated version of the age old “attention whore” (which we will not cover in this lesson), this whore plays a valuable role in the well being of men even if their services are severely limited. Most of these women live normal lives except for those brief moments when they shake their ass or stroke their pussy for millions of horny men to see for no other reason than to be a filthy cock tease. If you’re good you can usually bag you a fat gothic or emo internet cam whore….but what’s the fucking point? 7.) The Stuck Up Bitch That Wouldn't Fuck Me If I Were The Last Man Alive Whore – This is probably the largest group of whores on gods green earth. This whore typically makes up about 89 – 93% of the total female population and is made up of every woman not grouped into any of the previously mentioned categories. The stuck up bitch that won’t fuck me whore is usually a female of healthy or above normal level of self esteem. This bitch usually feels like she is better than me and decides that my cock is not good enough to shove in her filthy whore vagina. This whore usually drives a car (she is too good for the bus) and usually has steady employment and tends to look down at 26 year old community college students that live with their mothers. I hate these whores so much! So there you have it. This has just been a brief overview of the basic types of whores out there. Feel free to use this information as a starting point in your research into the wonderful world of the whore. If you are a female and don’t find yourself in any of the groups listed, then please, see a shrink because you obviously suffer from severe self delusion. These types of whores are not limited to women, although a man-whore is usually simply referred to as a man. -= Bagoda =- |